There will always be unexpected warmth and endless hope ahead
Inside my right nostril this nasal tube is 4 mm thick and about 1 meter long.
This tube, which was a little thicker than the phone's charging cable, was inserted through my jejunum through the nose.
Then through the small machine that pumps the nutrient solution, the nutrient solution is injected to help me "eat".
What exactly does this process feel like? As you can imagine, the feeling of being blocked in the nose and throat but unable to be eliminated.
The foreign body sensation is accompanied by pain and will persist for a long time every minute of the nasal feeding process.
In addition, I have very severe rhinitis, one nostril is inserted with a tube, and the other nostril is often not ventilated.
I couldn't sleep for more than ten nights because of breathing problems, and many of these nights, I felt from the bottom of my heart: I couldn't hold on for one more minute.
But the next morning, I still had to take this tube with me, try to live a normal life, learn to look at people differently, feel uncomfortable with my body, and get along calmly.
Because this is the only way to rest my scarred intestines, and it is also the way to have enough nutrition to cure my illness and live.
I spent 111 days "eating" food with my nose like this.
Before the arrival of the age of 20,
This "green cancer" came to me first
It was when I was seeing a doctor that I learned that there was still a disease like "Crohn" in the world.
At that time, the doctor said: "Multiple ulcers of the intestine, diarrhea, moderate to severe malnutrition ... Crohn's disease is suspected. ”
After checking the information, I learned that Crohn's disease, which at first glance sounds very abstract, has another name that is blunt and frightening: "green cancer".
For me, it may be the culprit that makes my digestive tract full of large and small ulcers, the culprit that makes me completely unable to eat, and a time bomb in my later life - even if it is temporarily alleviated, we must always beware of its comeback.
This name seems to sentence me to a "death sentence" for me, who was just 20 years old at the time and was still looking forward to a new life.
Not only myself, but none of our family could accept this result.
Fortunately, the doctor did not immediately make up his mind at that time. After examination, his diagnosis was left: intestinal tuberculosis and Crohn.
Intestinal tuberculosis can be cured, while Crohn is a "terminal illness". Because my symptoms were unclear, the doctor decided to start with diagnostic anti-TUBERCULOsis treatment.
That is, take anti-tuberculosis drugs first to see if there is any use, if it is useless, it is not intestinal tuberculosis, and it can confirm the diagnosis of Crohn.
For the next six months, I took anti-tuberculosis drugs and drank nutritional powder, and I felt better, happy at school, and sometimes even felt that it was not so bad to be sick.
But suddenly one day, the obstruction found me, and I began to be completely unable to eat, and it was difficult to drink a meal of nutritional powder every day.
From that day on, I didn't go to class, canceled all social activities, and lay in bed in my dorm room every day.
Because lying in this way, you can save physical strength, and when the hospital has an empty bed, you can immediately be hospitalized.
But I couldn't wait for the bed, and my physical condition didn't allow me to wait any longer.
"Broken up" with a gastric tube inserted in the emergency room,
The diagnosis gave me a sigh of relief
At this time, a patient suggested that I go directly to the emergency department, so that I could be directly admitted to the hospital by the emergency department. I quickly called my mother in my hometown and asked her to come to the hospital the next day to accompany me.
Because of my lack of physical strength, I couldn't stand steadily at that time, so I had to send WeChat to my boyfriend at the time and ask him to send me to the hospital.
The boyfriend at the time agreed at first, but in the middle of the night, he temporarily repented, and refused to send me on the grounds of "not daring to see your mother". Despite my frailty, I was angry, and at my strong request, he promised to send me during the day the next day.
The next day, it was my 20th birthday, he gave me a birthday present, took me to the hospital door, and then turned around and left.
I didn't have time to think about it too much, so I hurriedly met my mother and began the three-day and two-night "devil" journey of the emergency department.
Day 1. The emergency department is crowded and noisy, like the school that just left class, because of the lack of physical strength, I need to sit down, the crowded emergency hall, the seat is difficult to grab, it is difficult to sit down, but a day passed, only to wait for a part of the examination.
On the second day of the emergency room, because of the epidemic, my mother could not go into the observation room to accompany me, so I stayed alone, and the doctor had to insert a gastric tube as soon as he saw me.
The gastric tube is the tube as thick as a finger in the picture below. At that time, my entire nostrils were stuffed, and every word I said was a torment.
My mother was not around, my boyfriend was not heard from, and I was alone with a stomach tube, sitting on a chair in the observation room, waiting for the bed that was far away.
The body is uncomfortable, and the heart is even more tormented.
Finally, I messaged my boyfriend and asked him what he really meant.
After a while, I received a brief reply from him: "Let's break up." ”
My tears flowed out immediately, in fact, the tears have not been broken since the intubation of the stomach tube, and I can't tell which is more uncomfortable physically and psychologically.
In short, crying tired of sleeping, waking up to look at the phone, just like this a day and a night, the time seems to have no end, because the feet have been sitting, they have swollen to twice the original size.
But I waited for the bed.
When the nurse pushed me in a wheelchair from the emergency department on the first floor to the inpatient department on the sixth floor, it felt like going from "hell" to "heaven", finally able to lie down, and the world was finally quiet.
In this quiet world, there is also a doctor's voice: diagnosed, it is Crohn.
At that moment, I calmed down, even relieved, and the whole person had a kind of relief that the dust had settled.
Treatment, lower nasogastric tube ... I cried again and again and went back to the ward, and I also rekindled my fighting spirit in tears
Suspected of being Crohn's days, I did not frantically check the literature day and night, and I sat on every symptom of the number, completely unbelievable and unacceptable, I had to get this "cancer".
But after the real diagnosis, I was able to accept it, but I also "instigated". The determination and courage to fight the disease, to collapse in the pain of treatment again and again, and then to rebuild, to collapse again, to rebuild again.
When I was diagnosed, my biggest feeling was guilt. I feel very sorry for my family, after all, it is not cheap to treat Crohn's disease:
One injection of biological agent 1290 pieces, two weeks to get an injection.
The nutritional powder to be used for nasal feeding will cost more than two thousand in half a month.
There are also various checks, each of which is a few thousand pieces.
……
Before you make money, you have to spend so much money... I have thought about it more than once, and I am not cured. But when I finally said to my parents, "I don't want to be cured, let's go home"...
But Dad said:
Although it is cured, no matter how much money is, no matter what method is used, the cure is good, as long as it is healthy. Although my mother did not say it, she always accompanied me and took care of me when I was most vulnerable and uncomfortable.
Diagnosed with a "terminal illness" at a young age, desperate?
It is desperate, but because I am still young, I still want to live a long, long life with my family, there are still many things in my life that I have not experienced, many of my expectations for the future have not yet been realized, and I am really unwilling to be "interrupted" by illness at such a time.
So, with the encouragement of my parents and friends, I reorganized myself and decided to be as positive as possible for treatment.
Although it ignited the fighting spirit, it did not mean that I was weak enough to overcome all difficulties.
The day of the nasogastric tube came.
Because the duodenal stenosis is severe, I can't do anesthesia when I go down the nasogastric tube, I can only harden it. Doctors need to use a gastroscope to insert a nasogastric tube into the jejunum.
That is, at that time I had a gastroscopy in my mouth, a nasal nasal feed tube, and there was no anesthesia. To make the operation go smoothly, two nurses pressed me, one on the head and one on the leg.
Seeing my uncomfortable look, the nurse sister would touch my head and try to comfort me.
But at that time I had only one thought: why don't you kill me?
I cried a lot after the nasogastric tube, but even if the tube was uncomfortable, I didn't want to pull it out, because I knew it wouldn't be easy to come by.
When I got back to my roommate, I received a spring dress from my college roommate who had rushed for an hour and a half and specially sent me spring clothes.
I slowly looked through their handwritten blessing cards and gradually calmed down, especially hoping that my illness would soon ease, return to school early, and resume a student's normal life.
My strength and determination were also "born again" in this hope.