A letter to God

Hello God

Growing up, I kept you in mind, and I always wanted to be a good person, and others wouldn't see what you would see. I'll tell you what's going on, when I was 20 years old, under pressure from my family, I married a man I didn't like, but I wasn't unfaithful to him because I didn't like him, I tried to make myself fall in love with him, he didn't look good, he didn't have a good temper, but at that time he could give me a sense of security God do you know how important security is to me, I know other girls like security, but I need it more because I lost the love of my parents when I was a child, when my grandmother raised me, I was bullied by my classmates and said that I was a motherless child Girls laughed at me, looked down on me, stole my diary, read it to everyone, reasoned with them, they said good things don't back people are not good things, they are far away from me, because I have no money and no good food to share with them, go on a spring tour, everyone goes to school, everyone buys bread and soda snacks, only I only take a few cakes, they laugh at me, they say I'm poor, I pretend I'm superfluous, I was particularly helpless, so many girls are bullying me, I'm scared, and occasionally one or two boys will stand up for me, and they will rush up Saying that we were in love early, saying a lot of ugly words, scared the boys did not dare to help me, so I survived the 19-year-old at school alone, when I was 20 years old, I met my current husband, at that time I did not read the parents let me marry, but the parents chose people with disabilities I heard that there will be a lot of bride price, (my mother is my father when I was nine years old) I was afraid of the grade, so I chose to run away when I was cornered, saying that maybe I had a relationship with him, and I met him At that time, I just wanted to find some work with him, I really didn't want to marry him at all, I didn't love him at all, so I wouldn't have the idea of marrying him, he wasn't my favorite type, he was rude, grumpy, he was ugly, he was very selfish, I knew, but he led me to a relative's house, where he let me see where he was different, for example, he would make food for his aunt, help clean up the yard, and he would think carefully about the feelings of his aunt's family, and I found that he was very good at doing things, although selfish, but he was very capable of doing things, and he was very good at talking, and he was not afraid of all kinds of occasions. The most important thing was that he took good care of me during this time, so that I really realized what safety was, he said he would give me a home, a home that belonged only to him and me, although there was nothing in the house, there was really nothing, three rooms, and the most valuable thing in the house was probably the red sofa that his aunt didn't want, and there was a single electrical blower, an old leaky tank, three or four bowls, two pots, two pots, and an oil jar that could only fit into a small spoon, and there was a broken bamboo mat on the kang, and on the ground was the old dirty red sofa And three or four moldy cardboard boxes, looking at this didn't affect my expectations of him, I felt that if we were young, if we were willing to do it, we would be fine, and I would clean up my home spotlessly, spotlessly for many years, and I felt like I was a fairy who fell from the house, and I had to save him and let him have a stable home that was not discriminated against by anyone, and at that time because he was too poor to eat and there was no flower, and everyone discriminated against him, and I supported him with the cleanest home and the cleanest me, so that he could speak straight in front of anyone, because he had a home There is a beautiful and capable daughter-in-law who is very clean and loves him as he is, and this is capital, capital that all men cannot match.

For many years to come, I was as good to him as ever, and no matter what he did, I would encourage him to be okay, you have me, and at that time I would think of a sentence every day in my heart, that is, there was a fairy wife and husband in the family, and I kept this sentence in mind, and he had a little wind and grass outside, and I reflected on whether I was wrong, I often thought of a lot of words that guided him in the open and in the dark, and he said it to him when he was not careful, let him come out of the slander of others, let him have enough enthusiasm to live, I often praised him for being omnipotent And he can do anything better than others, a lot of men can't do it, for example, he can connect the wires, he can eliminate all kinds of hidden dangers and then connect them, like loading the car, the board he can install is running for as many miles as it can not fall off, for dismantling something, he can completely reorganize ... These are his strengths.

Over time, after more than three years, it was the happiest three years of my life, and although I was very poor at that time, I was full of security and I was not afraid of anyone, because he didn't beat me at that time, and after three years he started to hang out, and after going out, there was no longer the old days, and he always came back with a lot of reasons to go out, and he rode a broken motorcycle, no matter how cold it was, no matter how cold it was, no matter how windy or snowy, never stopped him from going out, and then he bought a broken car and he didn't like to go home, sometimes at most he came back in the middle of the night.

God, do you know how hard it is for me to go out on the day he goes? Especially when he came back in the middle of the night after he went out, I counted the time at home, when there was no mobile phone, no TV, and I stayed up until I went to sleep, and there was only myself and the cold room at home, and I kept thinking that what I didn't do well enough made him hate me, and he couldn't go home.

I tried my best to be nice to him every day, and I wanted him to change his mind and go home with me every cold night, but it seemed to backfire, and the more I treated him, the farther away he was from me, as if he was afraid that I would bind him!

And over the years, he got to know a lot of women, some married, some little girls, some young ladies, some misses, I didn't know who the miscarriage was, and he told me that he was harmed by someone else, and he felt pitiful, and he brought me back to serve me, and I was stupid, and I believed it to be true, and then I got back a few of them, and I was numb.

And so he consumed my truest affection for him, but at that time I would rather die than change my mind, because I felt that a woman should marry a chicken and marry a dog with a dog, and death is also a ghost of his family, and this idea imprisoned me!

After many years, his days in Hebei hebei were like hell for me, and he went to hook up with a sister-in-law, and they went out and sang at night and night, and I didn't dare to say more than one word, I just got pregnant and couldn't leave, so big belly, I couldn't find a job, I couldn't survive in a strange city!

In the year of their happiness, I gave birth to my daughter on the day I was about to give birth, because the local moon was going to invite relatives from all over the world to dinner, and the day before we had a lot of dinner, and the night he didn't come back, so I dragged my weak body to his sister-in-law's house to find him.

I saw him and his sister-in-law in the courtyard discussing their emotional problems, I pretended not to hear him, I called him home, and it turned out to annoy him, maybe it was an emotional matter between him and his sister-in-law, he sent a rage to me, I was pitiful, and I hit him again when he was in a bad mood, and he dragged me all the way from his sister-in-law's house to the house, and his sister-in-law also followed him into the house, and he saw his sister-in-law follow him, and he was even more crazy, and he picked up the kitchen knife and rushed over, and his sister-in-law hugged him, and his mother-in-law took the kitchen knife I've been thinking stupidly, what's wrong with me? What happened to me? What's going on? When I was blindfolded, he saw so many people stopping me and dragged down the shoes, the big leather shoes flew over, maybe with too much force, I was afraid of hitting my instinctive reaction, the shoe hit the wall, but the shoe hit the wall, the heavy sound of the shoe hitting the wall, and now I am afraid, the shoe fell heavily from the wall, damn it was not biased, it fell to the child's head, I looked over eagerly, the child may have been frightened, I thought the child was dead, all my grievances and grief were strung out, all my hopes were shattered!

I looked at him and he was long gone, and he had long since lost the way he used to hurt me, and I smiled, and I turned my head and ran out of the village, and I was going to end it all, and I had completely lost hope in life, and the whole world had nothing to do with me.

I stumbled and ran, I fell, I ran, maybe I didn't have a flustered path, I didn't see the train, I didn't see the car, maybe God you don't want me to leave like this, I was exhausted and went to a village, I was very tired, I was very tired, because I just had a baby, I really didn't have the strength.

I dragged my tired body to a house and knocked on the door, I was too tired, too cold.

The first house didn't move, the second one didn't move, I knocked on the third one, and I thought, if I don't open it again, I'm going to leave Anyway, life and death don't matter to me anyway, and it turns out that this house opened a grandmother, and she opened the door to see that I was so tired, because it was the middle of the night, and I had to tell the truth before I let me in, and I put me on the kang and covered it with several quilts, and I couldn't lie down, and I sat and sat all the time, because I would be afraid when I lay down.

I sat and hugged the quilt all night and all day, no matter who asked me, I didn't say a word, I looked at every stranger, the grandmother sent those people away, probably all of them were nearby, I heard that the grandmother's house came and the daughter-in-law who ran away came to see the hilarity, and since then I have completely died to him, and after a few twists and turns, I have been found again, because I heard that the child is not dead, the child needs me, because I did not have a mother, I thought I can't let my child and my mother, no matter how much humiliation I had to come back for the sake of my children, and then I took my life hostage and went back to my hometown

What I didn't expect was that the sister-in-law actually came with me, and I didn't argue for the sake of the child, because I was dead in my heart, watching him and his sister-in-law in and out of my hometown, and the five tastes and miscellaneous things were only clear to myself, and my self-esteem and pride were trampled on by them at that time.

A man who has no self-esteem, no pride, no hope, God, you think, I can still live, funny, no?

God, just write this, I know you'll listen to my nagging, and I'll have a lot of things to do in the days to come that I haven't told you about it!