Wen | Northern Su
01
When the relationship encounters problems and betrayal strikes, the person who passively bears the betrayal in the marriage, the first and very painful feeling that appears at the first time is "unacceptable".
Even after the betrayal occurred for a period of time, he has chosen to forgive the betrayal and has decided to re-repair the relationship between husband and wife, but in the heart of the betrayed, there is still a reluctance, and this unwillingness also stems from the inability to accept the appearance of betrayal.
How to resolve the pain caused by this "unacceptable"?
Most of the betrayed people believe that this requires the betrayed party to make positive efforts, he actively changes, actively returns to the family, actively admits his mistakes to "himself", and this repressed grievance and unwillingness in the heart will pass.
In fact, in the relationship between husband and wife affected by betrayal, it is necessary for the betrayed party to actively change, and it is also necessary for the betrayed party to try to accept reality;
If the betrayed party has been judging the betrayal of the partner as a judge, he will fall into the obsession of constantly questioning "why he was betrayed and why he had to bear this pain", and the inadmissibility in his heart brings about inability to let go, and the inability to let go brings unforgivability and a new round of inadmissibility, all of which will become a backlog of pain in the heart, preventing the betrayed person from feeling happy.
02
A female client described her feelings after learning that her marriage had been betrayed:
"After being married for more than 10 years, our relationship looks good to outsiders, and I thought we were fine, but I didn't want to be the one who cared the most in his heart; I was angry about his betrayal, filed for divorce, and finally stranded because he didn't agree to divorce." 」
"I originally thought that he didn't want to divorce because he still cared about my family, but he didn't actively admit his mistakes, and there was not much change for me and my family, I was really miserable and hurt, I didn't understand why he betrayed, and I didn't understand why he didn't agree to divorce after betrayal, and my life was ruined by him." 」
A key message can be captured from her message: when a female client files for divorce and is rejected by her partner, she does not insist on divorce anymore, but her heart is not better because of her partner's retention of marriage.
She chooses to keep the marriage and then fulfills her expectations by complaining about her partner: in a state where the partner is not actively returning, she complains about his betrayal, she is a judge, constantly wanting the wrong party to take responsibility for all this, wanting a clear answer and reply from him.
Subconsciously, she thinks that her inner pain needs to be cured by her partner; she subconsciously hopes that her inner rejection of betrayal can be resolved through her partner's change, return, and renewed warmth to her.
Why would she expect these pains in her heart to be resolved through the change of her partner?
It is very important that she is resistant to the reality of her betrayal, and she is also resistant to the choice of letting herself take the initiative to release this betrayal, and she believes that her pain is given by the other party and needs the other party to work hard to make up for it.
03
The betraying party should indeed be responsible for the impact and harm he has brought to the marriage and family, but from the perspective of the betrayed person's heart, she resists the occurrence of betrayal and resists self-repair, which is equivalent to still passively waiting for the marriage to pronounce herself.
If the other party actively changes, there is hope in the heart; the other party does not actively change, the extreme anger in the heart, the mood and happiness of the betrayed person, are completely determined by the attitude of the other party.
When the other party is more uncooperative, the more the gap in the betrayed person's heart will be, new disappointments will continue to appear, and pain will become a cycle with no way out.
Even if the other person changes and acts, if his changes and actions are different from those expected by the betrayed person, the gap will still exist, and the pain will continue to circulate.
When the feelings encounter betrayal, everyone who passively bears this pain needs to understand a problem, the person who can really save himself is not the other party, but himself, his return is not the premise of happiness, you can no longer resist the occurrence of betrayal, you can let go of the resentment in your heart, deal with this matter more calmly, the situation will really change.
Resistance itself will make the heart's wishes and reality collide fiercely, and reality cannot be changed, and you have to bear the pain of disappointed expectations.
But if you accept the reality, do not try to change the reality that the betrayal has emerged, do not change the other party, the anger in the heart will be alleviated, and the anxiety and pain will be alleviated;
Without high-pressure emotional persecution, the betrayed party will have more room to think, the direction of choice may be different, and the state of the final face of betrayal will be different.
04
Marriage is affected, oneself has been hurt, is it necessary for the betrayed party to take the initiative to forgive the betrayed party, is this too humble, is this too humiliating to live?
The betrayed party actively releases the resistance to betrayal in his heart and the resentment against the betrayer, and this forgiveness and forgiveness betrayal are two different concepts.
The "forgiveness" in not resisting is more interpreted as acceptance, acceptance does not mean to forgive the other party, but to forgive the pain brought by life, and the forgiveness in not resisting is no longer confrontation with real life, which can be understood as a life concept, a maturity and growth.
The forgiveness of forgiveness of betrayal points more to the forgiveness of the lover who betrayed himself, and the forgiveness of the lover for the hurt and betrayal of himself, and this forgiveness needs to be based on the basis of "not resisting".
If you go beyond the "resistance of the heart" and directly force yourself to forgive the betrayal and forgive the harm caused by your partner, you will become the state of the client mentioned above: you want to forgive in your heart, but you can't do it; you have made the choice of forgiveness, but you still suffer from unsolvable pain.
That is to say, you who have experienced betrayal, on the one hand, are aggrieved, on the other hand, what makes you miserable in this state is not the betrayal of your partner, but your non-"forgiveness".
05
Of course, Beisu also knows that for those who bear betrayal, it is difficult to convince their hearts and not resist the reality of being betrayed, and it is probably possible to help the betrayed people achieve inner calm and peace from two practices.
First: try to retain a sense of consciousness in the midst of pain, to be aware of your emotions, and at the same time to perceive your resistance to reality.
When you feel that you are dissatisfied with the status quo and complain about the words, you must realize that you are not only suffering from the pain of betrayal, but also suffering from the negative emotions brought about by your inner resistance to reality, such as anxiety and anger.
Second: After perceiving your inner resistance, properly do some mindfulness meditation practice.
In the process of meditation, relax yourself, and then let yourself know that reality has happened that cannot be erased, try to talk to yourself, let yourself accept a way of thinking similar to "changing reality is difficult and tiring, but based on reality you can do more beneficial to yourself" way of thinking, to help you find a better way to deal with the dilemma of betrayal.
These two steps can be practiced repeatedly, and when you feel that you are stuck in obsession again, you can find a quiet environment, relax yourself, and then use mindfulness to talk to your inner obsession, and finally try to end the conversation in a mindful way.
Whenever you want to remember, you are your master, and when the existing way of life makes you miserable, you can completely change the way.
The premise of changing your lifestyle is that you have to have a more rational way of thinking, a rational way of thinking can be obtained through the first two steps, and your own change is the most effective way to let yourself meet happiness.