Last night, I dreamed again of my distant childhood. Dreamed of my lovely brother. The brother in the dream was still the same as when he was a child, like a small tail following behind me, calling me one by one: "Sister! Sister! ”...... When I woke up in the middle of the night, my heart hurt like I was cut by a knife. Outside the window, the cold autumn rain mixed with the autumn wind was getting more and more urgent. Raindrops pounded on the glass outside the window. The voice was in my ears, extremely mournful, as if my brother wanted to tell me, and like a bitter lament! The night, it seemed to be colder. I curled up on the bed, tossing and turning, without any sleep. I, again, lost sleep. In those dusty years, I deliberately avoided the past and did not want to remember it again. Pile by pile, piece by piece, scene by scene, the memories that were carved into my bone marrow, came to my mind like projections. I was born in a remote mountain village in Hunan. There are four sisters in the family. I am the eldest sister and have two younger sisters and a younger brother below. The mother gave birth to a very dense child, more than one year old, only the third sister and the younger brother are two years apart. When I was four or five years old, I was going to take my youngest brother with me. My brother was born extremely strong and tall, and I was too young, where can I hold it? I often had weak hands, causing my brother to fall and get injured. The scab on my brother's forehead had not yet healed, and my nose had been broken by me again, and my nose was bleeding. Over and over again, it is always like this, the old wounds are not healed, and new wounds are added. For this reason, I was often reprimanded by my mother and beaten a lot. The mother in memory, every day out early and late home. There is always endless farm work. There's no time to take care of us. The responsibility of taking my younger siblings naturally fell on me. We are a herd of free-range lambs. Every day, I took my younger siblings and played wildly in the fields, in the mountains, and in the villages. My mother always forbade us to go out and play, especially on rainy days. Where can we stay at home? The three of them always sneak out to play. When I came back, my shoes and pants were covered with yellow mud on my legs. Younger siblings always fell into little clay figures. I had to be beaten by my mother again. In my memory, the meandering ditch in the village was always so wide. My younger siblings couldn't cross over, and they all stood on the edge of the ditch and looked at me with their eyes. I'm going to hold them one by one. Playing in the village and getting tired of walking. The younger siblings refused to leave. Scrambling for me to hold. I hugged my youngest brother, and my sister rolled on the ground. So I held one in my arms and hung one around my neck, making me breathless, and the three rolled together. I need to hold my brother for a while, fold back, and hold my sister over. Because the age difference is too close, I always have the style of an eldest sister, very ignorant, and do not know how to be humble. He will do something to his younger siblings for a little food. If they annoy me, or because they both carry a black pot and are beaten by their mother. I also have to find a way to make up for it, and beat them up hard. Beat them to tears. My father often accused me of being too fierce with my younger siblings and not having the responsibility and gentleness of my eldest sister. When I was a child, I was extremely wild. Younger siblings are good at hand. I was always beaten up and cried and complained to me. As the eldest sister, I will definitely avenge them. Whether it was my classmates at school or the children in the village, even if they were two years older than me, who bullied my younger siblings, I had to beat them back one by one. Beat them until they soften, beat them until they cry. Stealing food was a common problem among children of our time. No matter where the mother is hiding, there is no shadow, and we always find it quickly. Sometimes, in the middle of the night, a few of our sisters would go together to steal. One is responsible for looking at the wind, one is responsible for opening the cabinet, and the other is responsible for untying the snakeskin bag. The division of labor is clear. The sweet potato chips, peanuts, sugar cakes, beans, and dates that I stole in my memory are so sweet and sweet. When I eat it as an adult, I can no longer find the feeling of childhood. Of course, the cost of stealing food is not small, and the mother tears her mouth and twists her mouth, slaps, and draws strips, and she is beaten very badly. The plate millet mountain behind the old house is the place we yearn for the most. Every year, when the plate millet is ripe, we come home from school, and as soon as the school bag is put away, the first thing we do is to run to the plate millet mountain to pick up the plate millet. For this, he was often beaten by his mother. Sometimes it takes one afternoon to pick up eight or nine grains, and when I am lucky, I can pick up twenty or thirty grains. That's a lot of fun. Time is like an arrow, and the years are like shuttles. In the blink of an eye we've all grown up. I dropped out of school at the age of fifteen and went out to work. The younger brother also gradually grew into a tall and handsome, gentle and humble gentleman. Since my brother read junior high school, every time he came back from school and saw the dung bucket on his mother's shoulders, or a load of water and a load of grain, his brother would rush to help his mother bear it. The first thing to do when I got home was to call my mother. There should be no more shouting, until the mother agrees. Rural mothers are incomprehensible. There was nothing to tell her to do, reprimanded many times, and her brother did not change his teaching. Still Tete ran to his mother and called out to his mother, and then walked away. When I met acquaintances, whether men, women or children, whether they had a vendetta against their parents or not, their brother would call people first and smile sincerely. The younger brother is a boarder in junior high school. Every Friday when I came home from school, there was a group of people coming to my house. Down to three or four years old, the child hugged his brother's legs and played with them, laughing. The grandfather of the old cadre who went up to the age of ancient rarity wanted to discuss all kinds of state affairs news with his brother, express his own opinions, and talk about it! As for the elder brother who teaches in the village and the uncle who farms the field, every time the younger brother comes home, he has to compete against each other. It's often an afternoon. Therefore, as long as the younger brother is at home, the family is overcrowded. The mother felt that people were messy, noisy, and her face was very ugly. In front of the crowd, he would reprimand his brother very severely. The grandfather in the village scolded his mother, saying that he and his brother had forgotten their friendship and had a relationship. If it is a mother, it is impossible to ask for help. The mother still can't understand. She couldn't understand what it meant for her brother to mingle with a child of a few years old. She also couldn't understand that the elder brother in the village was a teacher, why an adult always had to find his brother to play chess until dark, and he was reluctant to go, and he didn't eat or eat. She couldn't understand that the national event was only seen on TELEVISION, so far away from the lives of our ordinary people, arguing about what it did. The age difference between the two is huge, and what language is common. In her eyes, pure crumbs are salty and eat turnips lightly, hollow. My father also had a lot of criticism of this, thinking that this was a useless interpersonal relationship, delaying time, and abandoning his studies. The father was very harsh on his brother, and was outrageously harsh. Fathers like their sons to be arrogant and flamboyant personalities. Twenty-four hours a day, in addition to sleeping, every moment holding a book and reading hard. And none of this, the younger brother could satisfy him. Therefore, the father was extremely dissatisfied with his brother. Whatever his brother did, he couldn't get him to approve of it. In his mind, the younger brother has nothing to do and nothing to do. It's not as good as people anywhere. Never affirmed and praised my brother once. The younger brother was born with great strength, more than a hundred pounds of grain, and his two fingers could easily throw up the valley wall three or four meters high, and he did not breathe for seven or eight packs in a row. In the face of the envious gaze of his uncle, his father did not think so, and felt that he had great strength, and could only exert death, which was useless, and it was not as practical as the brain melon seeds. The teachers and classmates at the school are very fond of their younger brother. Every time my brother's teacher met his father, he always greeted his father warmly. Holding his father's hand, he did not let go for a long time, and he lamented that his father had given birth to a good son. A strong praise for his brother's intelligence. Father should only be polite. My father always said that everyone said that I had a good son. But I never thought he was good or smart. The younger brother's life can satisfy his father, and it may only be that year, when the younger brother was admitted to the key high school in the city with a score of more than twenty points higher. My younger brother was exposed to computers in high school and became interested in them. In half a year, he reached the level of advanced hacking. My younger brother was ahead of his thinking, and he wanted to develop computer software development. The ignorant parents could not understand it, thinking that it was not doing the right thing, and broke his wings. Let my brother take a break from school at home, and scold endlessly with a calm face in the dark. On the night of my brother's accident, only my father and brother were at home, and what really happened was known only to my father and brother. As a child, it is not easy to question the father. The death of his brother is like a thunderbolt on a sunny day, making people undefended. Hearing the bad news, my brain went blank. It was hard to accept for a long time. My brother's voice played back in my mind over and over again. I still remember that when my brother was in junior high school, I came back from work and stayed at home for a few months. I recalled over and over again the bits and pieces of our brother and sister getting along, and my brother always talked to me, enlightened me, and persuaded me. Let's talk and laugh. Talk about laughter. When it comes to funny things about childhood, I always make fun of him with his childhood troubles. My brother always smiled slightly. And every time he came back from school, he always had to give me a little surprise. The pop discs borrowed from my classmates, the small hanging paintings I bought for me with pocket money for a long time, the Christmas greeting cards sent for Christmas... I couldn't believe it was the last time I'd ever get along with my brother. This separation from his brother turned out to be a farewell forever. I keep telling myself that this isn't true. I haven't seen my brother in over two years. It's just a prank. Maybe as soon as I got home, I saw my brother jump up from the bed and say, "Sister, I lied to you." You haven't been home for a few years, you miss you, you go home. "I'm going to be furious and scold him hard to get out of breath." I think my brother will smile and beg for forgiveness. However, when I rushed home, I saw everything in the family that was miserable and miserable, and I saw my uncles and relatives and friends in the village helping to take care of my brother's funeral. I saw relatives and friends shed tears while persuading their parents. Seeing my parents for days without touching the water and relying on hanging needles to maintain their vital signs, one in the East House, the other in the West House, crying so much that their liver and intestines were broken, their voices were exhausted, and they were in pain, my last little illusion was completely shattered. I knelt before my father with my legs and held his cold, trembling, thin hands, and tears poured down my face. My eldest sister and I were unable to catch up with my brother for the last time. When I rushed back, my brother had nailed the lid of the coffin. The third sister alone gave him the last ride. The customs of the old family, the murderous spirit of the dead, the fear of playing a stand-in, corrupting the village wind. A sanding disc is required. When I heard the strong man in the village carrying the coffin wrapped around his brother, he spun around in place, turning dizzy, throwing the coffin, and turning over the polishing plate that had been turned upside down. My heart ached so much that I couldn't breathe. My brother will be so abused after he dies, and the last bit of decency will not be there. After all these years, I still can't accept the fact that my brother has passed away. Unable to let go, my brother was gone, taking away the only warmth of my childhood. His life was forever fixed on the year he was seventeen. Forever frozen in the beautiful years of style and splendor. So many years have passed, and that distant childhood has always made me dream back in the middle of the night, my heart is like a knife, and I cry. Again and again, I dreamed of the mountain behind the old house. In the dream of the Bansu Mountain, the ground is full of ripe slabs that have broken and fallen one after another. The dark brown plate millet is so large that I can't pick it up. In the dream, my younger siblings were still like children, following me and bringing me bags to pack corn. I picked up a big bag full of corn, and I was so happy! My brother always followed me, shouting one after another, "Sister! Sister! "You want me to carry it, you want me to hold it." Cry your nose if you don't cling. Or secretly holding a handful of peanuts on my pillow, afraid of being discovered by my mother, quietly Mimi said: "Sister, give you peanuts to eat!" ...... My grief flows back into a river. Brother, brother, you are the most filial child, how can you bear the pain of the loss of a child in the middle age of the most painful middle-aged child in your life? Brother, in the end you repented, right? Brother, parents also repented. Brother, you look back at me, look back at your parents. Brother, come back. Brother, I really want to miss you. Brother, in the next life we will be sisters. You make brothers, I make sisters. In the next life, you will guard me, okay?