中英雙語閱讀 月亮與六便士

Chapter 29

I kept silence for a little while, thinking of what Stroeve had told me. I could not stomach his weakness, and he saw my disapproval. "You know as well as I do how Strickland lived," he said tremulously. "I couldn't let her live in those circumstances — I simply couldn't."

我沉默了一會，思索着施特略夫對我講的事情。我無法忍受他這種懦弱，他也看出來我對他這個做法不以為然。“你跟我知道得一樣清楚，思特裡克蘭德過的是什麼日子，”他聲音顫抖着說，“我不能讓她在那種環境裡過活——我就是不能。”

That's your business, I answered.

What would you have done? he asked.

She went with her eyes open. If she had to put up with certain inconveniences it was her own lookout.

Yes; but, you see, you don't love her.

“這是你的事。”我回答。

“如果這事叫你遇上，你會怎麼做？”他問。

“她是睜着眼睛自己走開的。如果她不得不吃些苦頭，也是自找。”

“你說得對，但是，你知道，你并不愛她。”

Do you love her still?

Oh, more than ever. Strickland isn't the man to make a woman happy. It can't last. I want her to know that I shall never fail her.

Does that mean that you're prepared to take her back?

“你現在還愛她嗎？”

“啊！比以前更愛。思特裡克蘭德不是一個能使女人幸福的人。這件事長不了。我要讓她知道，我是永遠不會叫她的指望落空的。”

“你的意思是不是說，你還準備收留她呢？”

I shouldn't hesitate. Why, she'll want me more than ever then. When she's alone and humiliated and broken it would be dreadful if she had nowhere to go.

“我将絲毫也不躊躇。到那時候她就會比過去任何時候都更需要我了。當她被人抛棄，受盡屈辱，身心交瘁，如果她無處可以投奔，那就太可怕了。”

He seemed to bear no resentment. I suppose it was commonplace in me that I felt slightly outraged at his lack of spirit. Perhaps he guessed what was in my mind, for he said:

施特略夫似乎一點也不生她的氣。也許我這人太平凡了，是以對他這種沒有骨氣竟有一些惱火。他可能猜到我的想法了，因為他這麼說：

I couldn't expect her to love me as I loved her. I'm a buffoon. I'm not the sort of man that women love. I've always known that. I can't blame her if she's fallen in love with Strickland.

“我不能希望她象我愛她那樣愛我。我是滑稽角色。我不是那種叫女人鐘情的男子漢。這一點我早就知道。如果她愛上了思特裡克蘭德，我不能責怪她。”

You certainly have less vanity than any man I've ever known, I said.

“我還從來沒見到過有誰象你這樣沒有自尊心的呢，”我說。

I love her so much better than myself. It seems to me that when vanity comes into love it can only be because really you love yourself best.

“我愛她遠遠超過了愛我自己。我覺得，在愛情的事上如果考慮起自尊心來，那隻能有一個原因：實際上你還是最愛自己。

After all, it constantly happens that a man when he's married falls in love with somebody else; when he gets over it he returns to his wife, and she takes him back, and everyone thinks it very natural. Why should it be different with women?

不管怎麼說，一個結了婚的男人又愛上别人并不是什麼希罕事，常常等他的熱勁過去了，便又回到他妻子的身邊，而她也就同他和好如初了。這種事誰都認為是很自然的。如果男人是這樣，為什麼女人就該是例外呢？”

I dare say that's logical, I smiled, "but most men are made differently, and they can't."

“我承認你說的很合乎邏輯，”我笑了笑，“但是大多數男人都不是這種心理，要他們這樣對待這件事是辦不到的。”

But while I talked to Stroeve I was puzzling over the suddenness of the whole affair. I could not imagine that he had had no warning. I remembered the curious look I had seen in Blanche Stroeve's eyes; perhaps its explanation was that she was growing dimly conscious of a feeling in her heart that surprised and alarmed her.

在我同施特略夫這樣談話時，我心裡一直在想，這件事來得過于突然，叫我迷惑不解。不可能想象，事前他會一直蒙在鼓裡。我記起了我曾看到的勃朗什·施特略夫的奇怪眼神，可能她已經模糊地意識到自己的感情，自己也被震駭住了。

Did you have no suspicion before to-day that there was anything between them? I asked.

He did not answer for a while. There was a pencil on the table, and unconsciously he drew a head on the blotting-paper.

Please say so, if you hate my asking you questions, I said.

“在今天以前難道你一點也沒有猜疑過他們兩人之間有什麼事嗎？”我問他道。

他并沒有馬上回答我的問題。桌子上有一支鉛筆，他拿起來在吸墨紙上信手畫了一個頭像。

“要是你不喜歡我問你這個問題，你就直說吧，”我說。

It eases me to talk. Oh, if you knew the frightful anguish in my heart. He threw the pencil down. "Yes, I've known it for a fortnight. I knew it before she did."

“我把話說出來心裡反而痛快一些。咳，要是你知道我心裡有多麼痛苦就好了，”他把手裡的鉛筆往桌上一扔。“是的，我從兩個星期以前就知道了。在她自己還不明白是怎麼回事以前我就知道了。”

Why on earth didn't you send Strickland packing?

I couldn't believe it. It seemed so improbable.

“那你為什麼不把思特裡克蘭德打發走呢？”

我不相信，我認為這是不可能的。

She couldn't bear the sight of him. It was more than improbable; it was incredible. I thought it was merely jealousy. You see, I've always been jealous, but I trained myself never to show it; I was jealous of every man she knew; I was jealous of you.

她那麼讨厭這個人。這種事根本不可能，簡直不能令人相信。我本來以為這是我的嫉妒心在作祟。你知道，我一向是非常嫉妒的，但是我訓練了自己，從來不表現出來。她認識的每一個人我都嫉妒，連你我都嫉妒。

I knew she didn't love me as I loved her. That was only natural, wasn't it? But she allowed me to love her, and that was enough to make me happy.

我知道她不象我愛她那樣愛我。這是很自然的，不是嗎？但是她允許我愛她，這樣我就覺得幸福了。

I forced myself to go out for hours together in order to leave them by themselves; I wanted to punish myself for suspicions which were unworthy of me; and when I came back I found they didn't want me -- not Strickland, he didn't care if I was there or not, but Blanche.

我強逼着自己到外面去，一待就是好幾個鐘頭，讓他們兩人單獨在一起。我認為我這樣懷疑她降低了我的人格，我要懲罰自己。可是當我從外面回來以後我發現他們并不需要我——思特裡克蘭德需要不需要我倒沒關系，我在家不在家對他根本無所謂，我是說我發現勃朗什并不需要我。

She shuddered when I went to kiss her. When at last I was certain I didn't know what to do; I knew they'd only laugh at me if I made a scene. I thought if I held my tongue and pretended not to see, everything would come right. I made up my mind to get him away quietly, without quarrelling. Oh, if you only knew what I've suffered!"

當我走過去吻她的時候，她渾身一顫。最後我對這件事已經知道得千真萬确，可是又不知道該怎麼辦。我知道如果我大吵大鬧一場，隻能引起他們的嘲笑。我認為如果我假裝什麼都沒看到，并不把這件事挑明，也許事情就過去了。我打定主意悄悄地把他打發走，用不着吵架。咳，要是我能告訴你我心裡那個痛苦勁兒就好了！”

Then he told me again of his asking Strickland to go. He chose his moment carefully, and tried to make his request sound casual; but he could not master the trembling of his voice; and he felt himself that into words that he wished to seem jovial and friendly there crept the bitterness of his jealousy.

接着他把叫思特裡克蘭德搬出去的事又說了一遍。他很小心地選擇了一個時機，他盡量使自己的語氣顯得很随便，但是他還是無法克制自己。他的聲音顫抖起來，本來想說得親切、逗笑的話語卻流露出嫉妒的怒火。

He had not expected Strickland to take him up on the spot and make his preparations to go there and then; above all, he had not expected his wife's decision to go with him. I saw that now he wished with all his heart that he had held his tongue. He preferred the anguish of jealousy to the anguish of separation.

他沒有想到自己一說，思特裡克蘭德就同意了，而且馬上就收拾起東西來。最出乎他意料的是，他的妻子也要同思特裡克蘭德一起走。看得出來，他非常懊悔，真希望自己繼續隐忍下去。比起分離的痛苦來，他甯願忍受妒火的煎熬。

"I wanted to kill him, and I only made a fool of myself. "

He was silent for a long time, and then he said what I knew was in his mind.

"If I'd only waited, perhaps it would have gone all right. I shouldn't have been so impatient. Oh, poor child, what have I driven her to?"

“我要殺死他，結果卻徒然使自己出醜。”

他沉默了半晌，最後他說出的我知道是郁積在他心裡的話。

“要是我多等些日子，也許就不會發生什麼事了。我真不應該這麼耐不住性子。啊，可憐的孩子，是我把她逼到這一地步啊！”

I shrugged my shoulders, but did not speak. I had no sympathy for Blanche Stroeve, but knew that it would only pain poor Dirk if I told him exactly what I thought of her.

我聳了聳肩膀，但是沒有說什麼。我對勃朗什•施特略夫一點也不同情，但是我知道，如果我把實話告訴可憐的戴爾克，隻會增加他的痛苦。

He had reached that stage of exhaustion when he could not stop talking. He went over again every word of the scene. Now something occurred to him that he had not told me before; now he discussed what he ought to have said instead of what he did say; then he lamented his blindness.

這時候他已經疲憊不堪，無力控制自己，是以隻顧滔滔不絕地說下去。他把那場風波中每人講的話又重複了一遍。他一會兒想起一件忘記了告訴我的事，一會兒又同我讨論起他當時該說這句話，而不該說那句話。

He regretted that he had done this, and blamed himself that he had omitted the other. It grew later and later, and at last I was as tired as he.

他為自己看不清問題感到萬分痛心，懊悔自己做了某件事，責怪自己沒有做哪一件。夜漸漸深了，最後我也同他一樣疲勞不堪了。

"What are you going to do now?" I said finally.

"What can I do? I shall wait till she sends for me. "

"Why don't you go away for a bit?"

"No, no; I must be at hand when she wants me. "

“你現在準備做什麼？”我最後問他說。

“我能夠做什麼？我隻能等着她招呼我回去。”

“為什麼你不到外地去走走呢？”

“不，不成。如果她需要，我一定要叫她能夠找到我。”

For the present he seemed quite lost. He had made no plans. When I suggested that he should go to bed he said he could not sleep; he wanted to go out and walk about the streets till day. He was evidently in no state to be left alone. I persuaded him to stay the night with me, and I put him into my own bed. I had a divan in my sitting-room, and could very well sleep on that.

他對于眼前該怎麼辦似乎一點主意也沒有。他沒有什麼計劃。最後我建議他該去睡會兒覺，他說他睡不着，他要到外面去走個通宵。當然，在這種情況下我決不能丢下他不管。我勸他在我這裡過夜，我把他安置在我的床上。在起居間裡我還有一隻長沙發，我可以睡在那上面。

He was by now so worn out that he could not resist my firmness. I gave him a sufficient dose of veronal to insure his unconsciousness for several hours. I thought that was the best service I could render him.

他這時已經精疲力竭，是以還是依着我的主意上了床。我給他服了一些佛羅那，叫他可以人事不省地好好睡幾個鐘頭覺。我想這是我能夠給他的最大的幫助了。

資源來自網絡侵删