Krishnamurti said that relationships are everything, and we are in relationships all the time. Among them, partnership is probably the most challenging lesson. It's not for no reason who you're with, there's a lot of deep cause and effect behind it. Eckhart Toly says that people often crave fulfillment in love and marital relationships, expecting each other to meet everything they need within themselves, but in fact, this is an illusion. No one person can satisfy you, and what you're really looking for is just yourself. Then, in the relationship in the world, it is better to cherish, respect, serve, love, let go of expectations, and look down. But the most important thing is to find the fullness and integrity within oneself. That's when the relationship becomes simple and relaxed.
01 We are both partners and intimate enemies With whom is it more difficult to be with? There is no doubt – it is the person who is more traumatized. Unfortunately, we always have relationships with people who are about the same level of trauma as us. Therefore, people with more trauma, love and marriage will be much more difficult; people with relatively little trauma are prone to love with people with relatively little trauma, and the relationship will be relatively smooth. Love in reality is not as perfect as we aspire. Every relationship and marriage is beautiful at the beginning, but when we get closer to each other, we find that the dream gradually bursts like a bubble. We often feel sad, bitter, and regretful in love, feeling that the person who made us desperately trust us with our lives has suddenly become a bad man/bad woman who is unforgiving.
Emotional setbacks can ruin many of a person's beautiful dreams about life. Most of the time, we blame the other person for our frustrations, blame them for their changes, betrayals that have caused us pain, and they have deprived us of our wonderful ideals of love. Or, we start another stove and change the soup and seek a new partner. Or, we become negative and suspicious, learn to guard against, defend ourselves, as if love is the source of our suffering, and we begin to expend a lot of energy and mentally whims. But that doesn't really make us grow. Everyone has an "inner child" in their hearts. The health of our inner children determines our lives, personalities, and patterns. The inner child without healing is like a controller of our physical mind: unwilling to see the truth, unwilling to take responsibility, always justifying himself.
The key to solving this problem is to really see your own problem. In every relationship, see why you are suffering, why you fail, why you repeat the same mistakes.
02 Why don't you love me so much? Why is it that a good person, once they enter into living together, have a long time and a deep relationship, there will be a lot of unreasonable behavior? In fact, when a person enters a deeper intimate relationship, the various traumas of the "inner child" that he cannot expose in ordinary human relations will be slowly exposed. This means that when a person's inner child feels that the relationship is safe enough, his inner desire to repair the wounds of the early years through this relationship. It's an unconscious process, and the problems that erupt between the partners as they become more intimate become deeper and deeper.
Intimacy becomes challenging at this stage. This is why many people feel that their partners are normal outside, but when they get home, they are prone to tantrums and negative energy explosions. If our trauma is gradually repaired in the intimate relationship, the relationship will move on. Otherwise, secondary trauma is likely to occur in intimate relationships. Therefore, to maintain a good intimate relationship, resilience and healing ability are crucial.
However, many people simply do not have the ability to deal with trauma and perceive themselves, and the trauma of two people is different within the child, and they do not have the expertise to deal with various traumas. Can't the trauma be dealt with? Of course not, the power of love can heal all wounds. Love is a kind of personality progress that understands, accepts, and unconditionally accepts the other person. When relationships are nourished in love, many wounds are slowly repaired. But the premise of realization is that one of them first recognizes his own trauma and patterns, and realizes the withdrawal of intelligence on his own—that is, free from the manipulation of the inner child.
Many counselors do not have the ability to heal because they themselves are still under the control of their inner children, so not all of them can become qualified healers. In fact, the breakdown and betrayal of all good relationships is not only due to a reason we see, but also to our own deep causes. And the purpose of the relationship breakdown is to promote our further maturity. If we can't see the depths of the problem and are busy constantly pursuing the superficial causes, that doesn't solve the inner problem, and we will repeat similar experiences.
03 There are two levels of truth about the projection of the "inner child" everywhere in interpersonal relationships: the material level - the original material, the desire for money; the spiritual level - it is our values, trauma, beliefs, limitations and patterns from childhood to adulthood. Love and friendship are the best mirrors, and the qualities we like and hate are projections of the aesthetics of the inner child on others. In relationships, projections are everywhere. Everyone is projecting their own inner aesthetic world to the outside world. Without projection, it doesn't matter. That's why we fall in love at first sight, and some people inexplicably attract us. But when you see the reality, when you see this red dust, it is just a projection of the delusional illusion in our minds. Those who keep us from forgetting, whether they make us happy or make us miserable, have a mysterious mission to help us grow. Through their triggers on our hearts, they help us to know our inner child. They are the external conditions for us to improve our personality. In any case, we should be thankful to those who have caused the oscillations in our lives. A person who always finds ugliness and shadows in others will often experience the pain of the heart. But we need to know that the person who really causes suffering in our lives is actually our invisible self: the narrow and limited inner child. From love dreams to love setbacks, is it all due to the other party changing? Not really. In most cases, it is the inner child who is highly idealized about himself and others, and does not accept the reality that there are flaws in himself and others. We feel cheated and betrayed, when in fact we dare not face the true face of ourselves. There is a great meaning behind the setbacks of love, and if we understand the meaning, we will not fall into the same abyss ignorantly, and we will know how to understand from the setbacks that we should learn as soon as possible. Many people in the love setback, in order to dissolve the pain, make up for the loss, quickly re-find the replacement of the person, from one relationship to another quickly step into another. Not grasping any meaning from setbacks, but shifting the blame to others means that we bury the narrow-mindedness and trauma of our inner child deeper, and then it will re-attract our attention in a similar way. The inner child, who has no healing, will shock our hearts with more powerful energy, until we can discover it, face it, and heal it, and the inner child is perceived and transcended by our consciousness. In other relationships, the same is true.
If we repeatedly encounter similar people who repeatedly subject us to the same calamities, it is time to find the root cause of the problem from ourselves. Why would I be attracted to such a person? Why do I often have the same troubles in my life? Is fate trying to tell us something, and we ignore the message of the God of Fate again and again? If we do not find the root cause of the problem in ourselves, we will never be able to escape this torture, which is both a teacher of life and a message given to us by fate. All interpersonal relationships are the information of fate, and our intelligence determines the ability to deal with the information of fate, and also creates our character, and the character determines the fate.
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