There are almost no parents nowadays who do not know the word "chicken baby". Many parents are representatives of "chicken dolls", with high requirements for their children, assigning a large number of learning tasks to their children, arranging a large number of cram schools, telling their children that their grades must be among the best, and only by passing the key schools can they have a bright future, and so on.
These parents hope that their children will become dragons and daughters, especially now that the society is seriously involved, the pressure and competition facing children are very fierce, coupled with the advent of the era of artificial intelligence, parents hope that their children can better stand in society in the future, and they hope that their children can work harder now to lay the foundation for a better life in the future.
This starting point is good, but if parents put forward too high requirements for their children and do not master scientific knowledge of spiritual psychology, it is easy to overwhelm children. In the end, children will not only not become adults, but may also suffer from depression, bipolar disorder, etc., and even normal schooling becomes difficult.
01. These 3 types of parents are prone to excessive requirements for their children
In the video, we mentioned 3 types of parents who tend to make too high demands on their children:
The first type of parents are high-level intellectuals, who are "top students" when they study, or leaders of units with successful careers. In short, they have outstanding personal abilities and certain achievements in the field of work.
The second type of parental habit is to pin their unfulfilled wishes on their children, they think that they have failed to achieve certain goals before, it is too regrettable, so the child must achieve this goal, which has even become the obsession of this part of the parents.
The third is teachers engaged in education, who are particularly prone to the misconception of "I can teach students well, how can I teach my own children badly", and it is also particularly easy to compare their children with excellent students.
Although the first type of parents above is successful themselves, they are easy to fall into the "experience trap" because of their own success, make mistakes in family education, and lack awareness.
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Because they have been excellent since childhood, they were top students when they were studying, and they were outstanding after work, and after they continued to achieve achievements, it was easy to think that they were very good in all aspects and would not be worse than others. Especially in the education of children, they think that they learned so well and had their own successful experience, and they will definitely be able to guide children to become adults.
But in fact, some parents do not really understand the laws behind adult success, they blame their own achievements on their own efforts and struggles, but ignore the factors of the background of the times and the work platform, and there is an irrational internal attribution model.
In the period when this generation of parents grew up, there was a lack of materials in China, and many children could realize that only reading could change their destiny, and at that time there was not so much entertainment, pastime and distraction, and the words of parents and teachers were authority. And compared to helping with farm work and coolies, many children feel that reading is a pleasure. The bitterness of reading is really nothing.
Therefore, these parents are willing to study hard, even enjoy it, and truly enjoy the fate change brought about by reading well, and achieve a class leap.
Coupled with the fact that since the reform and opening up, the mainland's economy has taken off, and these parents have ushered in many opportunities when they step into the society, which is also the background for them to achieve class leaps and wealth accumulation.
But today's children, as soon as they are born, are materially satisfied, even material excess, and are in a better social class. Moreover, in the Internet age, the huge and complex information and entertainment around them continue to influence and attract them.
Therefore, the set of struggle experiences of parents in the past is often not suitable for today's children. But many parents do not see this, and it is easy for them to impose their thoughts and experiences on their children, but cause psychological damage to their children.
Today's children are not only very self-conscious, but also cover a wide range of topics. They are likely to have difficulty accepting their parents' educational philosophy, believing that some of their parents' ways are incorrect, and unwilling to obey their parents' arrangements.
And these parents have also received excessive praise from others since they were young because of their own excellence, and they are easy to form a self-righteous paranoid personality and lack the awareness and ability of self-reflection. When children say "no" to them, they will only think that the child is not sensible and disobedient, and even adopt simple and rough education methods such as accusation and scolding to the child, which causes superimposed psychological trauma to the child, and eventually leads to mental and psychological problems in the child.
Maybe some parents will say, "Although I am very strict with my children, under my kind of education, my children are very good and do not have any mental and psychological problems!" ”
If the child is really mentally and physically healthy, this is a good thing. I very much hope that the majority of young people can grow up in good spirits and bodies, become adults, and contribute to the development of the country and society.
But a lot of experience with in-depth clinical psychological intervention tells me that some children's excellence is superficial or temporary.
Most of the students we treat with depression and bipolar disorder were once "other people's children" who were sensible and well-behaved and had excellent grades. But their inner pressure has always been very high, adults put pressure on them, they themselves also put pressure on themselves, and they have not mastered scientific learning methods and set correct and positive learning goals.
When they enter a key middle school, or encounter major academic setbacks, or study abroad and encounter a series of difficulties in a foreign country, their stress suddenly increases, and they are prone to mental and psychological symptoms. If the symptoms are not relieved in time, these children may have a nervous breakdown and be diagnosed with depression, bipolar disorder, obsessive-compulsive disorder, and so on.
Therefore, we cannot let our guard down because the child currently looks excellent, the more excellent the child, the more parents must pay attention to whether they have adopted a "high-pressure" education method and whether it has caused psychological trauma to the child.
Parents should timely self-reflect, change and improve to prevent their children from mental and psychological problems, so that their children can better maintain their current excellence.
The second type of parents is also prone to superimposed psychological trauma to their children. These parents left some regrets in their own upbringing, formed some superimposed psychological trauma, and gradually developed into a strong obsession: how my child must be, can not follow my old path.
For example, some parents hope to send their children to key universities through "chicken babies" because their families were poor and could not go to college, so they hope to realize their unfulfilled wishes.
But children are independent individuals, they are not the continuation of their parents' lives, let alone their parents' accessories, they should have the right to choose their own lives, and they cannot be required to follow the life route expected by their parents. If you blindly force it, the child may have a rebellious mentality.
Parents should be aware that there are often certain psychological traumas behind their obsessions, and we must consciously heal ourselves to identify and correct some incorrect cognitions. If you really have some wishes that you want to fulfill, you can try to achieve them yourself through hard work, rather than putting too much pressure on your children and hoping that they will achieve their wishes.
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Regarding the third type of parents, teachers, in fact, it is not only teachers, but also principals engaged in education, education experts, and so on.
According to relevant surveys, the children of teachers are more likely to have mental and psychological problems, and in the occupational distribution of parents of suicidal students, it is teachers who rank first!
Many teachers, principals, education experts, etc., it is easy for them to think, "I have raised so many excellent students, how can I not educate my own children?" How can my child not be excellent? ”
In addition, they have seen a large number of excellent students in their careers, and it is easy to unconsciously compare their children with other people's children, resulting in great psychological pressure on children.
And, although they are engaged in the education industry, it is easy to confuse home education and subject education. They do not know how to switch roles in time, and when they return home to get along with their children, they still appear as "teachers", facing children with the attitude and face of teachers. Once children make mistakes, they become "strict teachers", criticizing and reprimanding children, instead of giving understanding and positive guidance from the perspective of parents.
Therefore, I hope that educators will consciously switch roles, learn the real scientific way of family education, and do not bring the school set home. At work, I am a conscientious teacher, but when I return home, I understand, respect and tolerate the role of the child's "ideal parent" and truly enter the child's heart.
02. If you don't want to "chicken baby", can you promote "happy education"?
Of course, many parents choose the path of not chicken dolls, hoping that their children will grow up naturally and happily, and do not pursue excellent grades.
I think that if the child's psychology is sound, and can gradually form an independent personality, good ability to withstand pressure, and positive life goals, then I think it is indeed possible to underestimate the results and do not have to be too chicken.
After all, the society is so diverse, if the child loves a certain field, this field also has development opportunities in the society, then the child will move towards this goal, do not need to excel in the grades, but also become a useful person to the society and obtain a happy life. Why not?
However, I hope that this part of parents will grasp the degree and not go to the other extreme - overly advocating "happy education", let alone thinking that "happy education" is a more scientific education.
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Many parents think that Western countries promote "happy education", only 180 days of class a year, the rest of the time children are playing, such children grow up more creative, mental and physical healthier?
This perception may well come from misleading information. In fact, the children of the elite class in Western countries have never received a "happy education", they also have a large number of studies, they are interested in specialty classes, and the competitive pressure for further education is also very large, and children have to put in a lot of effort.
The so-called "happy education" is the education method adopted by Western countries for the people at the bottom, and it can even be said to be a kind of "propaganda" of the upper elite. This will make it difficult for the middle and lower classes to achieve class jumps, or even indulge in entertainment, and the position of the upper elite can be stabilized.
Japan once followed the example of the United States in adopting "happy education", but in recent years, more and more people in Japan have begun to reflect on the advantages and disadvantages of implementing "happy education".
If children want to become adults, whether in terms of subject performance or interests, it is essential to put in hard work, sweat, learn to face setbacks, and constantly improve.
Over-promotion of "happy education" is actually a kind of infantile education, which is very difficult to cultivate children's ability to withstand pressure and establish long-term life goals, and children do not have the consciousness to work hard and pay persistently, so that it is difficult to obtain a real sense of achievement. The happiness they get is more sensory stimulation, and there is a lack of meaning behind it.
Especially for learning, we can't just emphasize happiness. In the current society with so much entertainment and pastime, for most teenagers, children, and even adults, learning is indeed relatively boring and boring, and it is difficult to bring pleasure and happy emotional experience.
It is the animal instinct of human beings to seek benefits and avoid harm, love to do happy things, and not love to do unhappy things. If you don't consciously overcome this animal instinct, pay attention to happiness in everything, do it if you like it, don't do it if you don't like it, and call it "let it develop freely", then the child may really achieve nothing in the end, and get bored and avoid it when he encounters something he doesn't want to do. Such a person is difficult to gain a foothold in any field.
Moreover, in fact, most children do not have clear career planning and life goals in childhood and adolescence, at this time, the best goal is to overcome inertia, study hard, first increase knowledge and wisdom, improve their abilities, and finally slowly find their life goals, they are more likely to choose their favorite path, to achieve the meaning of life and personal value.
In other words, excessive, blind "chicken babies" and "happy education" are not desirable. Some parents say that they want to accept their children's mediocrity, but in fact, they do not realize that many times the mediocrity of children reflects the mediocrity of parents in family education, and the children themselves may not really want to be mediocre.
Many people think that if parents have knowledge and social status, their children will definitely be excellent. That's not the case. As we analyzed in the above video, some leaders and senior intellectuals with successful careers are more likely to make mistakes in family education, the most typical of which is Li Shuangjiang and his son Li Guanfeng (formerly known as "Li Tianyi"), who committed rape.
Before that, many university professors on the Internet said that they would not teach children, and frequently clashed with children, saying that their children were "scumbags".
And families with ordinary family economic conditions, or even families with relatively poor economic conditions, if parents can consciously master scientific and intelligent family education knowledge, and even know the knowledge of efficient learning, and know how to guide their children scientifically, their children are more likely to become adults!