Good parent-child relationship, no anxiety, no involvement, no internal friction.
Parents and children respect each other, grow up with each other, do not cross the line, do not control, so as to raise truly healthy and happy children!
Author | summer
A few days ago, I watched an interview video of teacher Dai Jianye.
He said with tears in his eyes in the video:
"If I had another child, I would definitely not be educated that way.
Now the parents of the whole society are anxious and nervous to death, the child makes up this class, makes up that class, I look back now, all of them are not right. ”
Looking at Teacher Dai Jianye's regretful look, I suddenly thought that my son is not also experiencing such an education?
When I thought about this, I suddenly felt a little sad.
I remember Mr. Gu Mingyuan, honorary president of the Chinese Education Society, once said:
"Learning can't be about competition.
We are now overly competitive and have lost our original intention for education.
Exams are for better study, for mastering knowledge, not for final academic performance. ”
Truly.
The hidden dangers of chicken babies have gradually revealed.
Today, if we want our children to achieve truly excellent and long-term development in this anxiety-ridden and involuted environment, we must have these three "reverse" abilities.
Anti-anxiety: Have a stable state of mind
Mr. Hei Youlong, the father of the Chinese Carnegie and the founder of the concept of slow care, once said:
"90% of Chinese parents' parenting problems are mostly because they are too urgent."
Many parents are eager for their children to win over their peers, and do not hesitate to run ahead of their peers and go crazy.
The 10-year-old boy scored 99.5 points in the test and was scolded by his strong father:
"How come it's only 99.5 points, and 0.5 points were eaten by you."
Mad Devil Chicken Baby's mother then assigned him more practice problems that he couldn't finish writing.
As a result, the child is driven into hysteria under super stress and huge psychological depression.
A 7-year-old boy was forced by his mother to make 376 rolls during a summer vacation;
As a result, the child becomes inferior, timid, and sensitive.
The Shanxi boy was slapped wildly by his mother because he was not familiar with chemical knowledge points.
985 double master's parents were angry with their scumbag sons and always prepared quick-acting rescue pills.
If we think about it, we will find:
Both parents and children have become victims of "anxiety" in the gap between reality and expectations.
The higher the parents' expectations, the greater the disappointment.
The more stressed the child, the more vulnerable he is inside.
I think of a sentence that the writer Li Xianglong once said:
"It is difficult for a person who is always full of fear and spends all his time anxious to have a good tomorrow."
The same is true for anxiety education.
In the national health psychological survey conducted by the Chinese Academy of Sciences Psychology: the detection rate of depression among middle school students was 24.7%, and a quarter of the children had depressive symptoms.
In the epidemiological survey conducted by the National Health Commission, 17.5% of children and adolescents had psychological and psychiatric disorders.
In a study done by Nanjing Brain Hospital, the incidence of suicidal self-injury among primary and secondary school students nationwide was as high as 27%.
These cruel data are a wake-up call to us that anxiety is destroying our children.
The writer Gyeongsan has a passage that I deeply agree with:
"People need to follow their nature and become who they really are.
Just like a seed, germinate and grow according to the inner rhythm and order. ”
There is a mother named Li Qi in "Amazing Mother".
She and her child's father are both returnees, but her son Xiaoshuai is a scumbag.
However, she was not anxious at all, but very relaxed.
Her son's writing is not very good, she will not criticize, but encourage her son:
"Good, more and more written into the grid."
Seeing that her son's idea of solving the problem is wrong, she will not directly say it, let alone deny her son because of this.
She set everything in her son's electronic devices, and as long as she played at the specified time, she would not interfere.
Her son likes to play games, program, save computers, cut videos, dream of being an UP master or programmer and other things that have nothing to do with learning, and she never forbids them, but supports her son as much as possible.
She has always believed that:
"A child is born with his mission, he has his path.
What parents need to do is to help their children develop their strengths, avoid their weaknesses, and maximize their children's potential. ”
Under her relaxed, calm and rational education, her son not only became a business expert in school, but also founded his own publishing house and became an UP owner with 800 fans on Station B.
As the Turkish proverb says:
"God has prepared a dwarf branch for every stupid bird."
Good education is never a matter of following the flow, but of "private customization" that varies from person to person.
Giving up useless anxiety, allowing yourself to have a relaxed, stable state of mind, and helping children find the most suitable path is the best education parents give their children.
Anti-involution: accompany the growth of children with a long-term vision
CCTV's "News Investigation" program has reported on such a special group of parents.
Today, when their educational involvement is becoming more and more serious, they are transferring their children from major cities in the Yangtze River Delta to primary schools in rural areas.
They don't care about the richer learning resources and fiercer competition in big cities, they just want their children to grow up smoothly in a relatively relaxed educational environment in rural areas.
A mother named Xiaolu said:
"We want children to have more experience and not repeat the questions."
A mother named Yuki said:
"My son used to study in a famous elementary school, and the environment of learning ahead, comparing learning, and overlearning made my son's originally lively and cheerful personality less and less talkative, and his interest in learning became lower and lower.
After coming here, his son regained his confidence in learning, took the initiative to pick up the piano that he had not practiced for a long time, and became cheerful. ”
A mother named Jiaying said excitedly:
"I once secretly asked the parents of my former classmates for a few rolls from urban schools, and I was very satisfied with being able to do seventy or eighty points, and I didn't have to calculate every point like before."
What is even more surprising is that these children who temporarily escaped from the "inner roll" still adapted well when they returned to the city to go to junior high school.
Recall the strong advice that American educator Kim John Bacon once issued to all parents:
"Give children the ease they need to reconnect with their true selves, their world, and free them from our stressful and stressful world as adults."
Good kids are never forced.
Everything to ignore the child's own emotions, preferences, receptivity, psychological condition... Both "chicken baby" and "involution" are likely to turn into a futile effort.
Wang Defeng, a professor at Fudan University's School of Philosophy, also had high hopes for his son.
Like all parents of "chicken babies", he also plans the best life for his children, paves the best steps, and hopes that his son can be admitted to Fudan University like him.
But on the day the college entrance examination results came out, he was told:
My son's grades, let alone go to Fudan, almost couldn't go to college.
Wang Defeng was cold and disappointed in his heart, but he had to accept reality.
Surprisingly:
When Wang Defeng no longer insisted on his son's grades and chose to go with the flow, his son fell in love with learning and was admitted to the world's top university, London Business School.
Professor Wang Defeng boils this down to "fate", but I believe more:
The growth of children needs the power to break the shell from the inside out, rather than the "seedlings and growth" under the strong pressure of external forces.
As Kevin Kelly put it in Out of Control:
"Let life go freely where he wants, don't worry, he has his own power and will adapt on his own."
Refusing involution, accompanying children to grow up with a long-term vision, and helping children find themselves, see themselves, and surpass themselves is truly powerful education.
Anti-internal attrition: Do not consume children in small things
A netizen once told his growth experience on the Internet with particular pain:
"When I was a child, I accidentally touched my chopsticks on the ground, soiled my clothes when I ate, silently wrote a wrong word, missed a question, deducted a point from the exam, and I would be scolded loudly by my mother.
Until now, I was particularly afraid of doing something wrong.
I always felt like I was being supervised all the time, which made me timid, sensitive, and extremely unconfident. ”
Happiness psychologist Zhou Fan said this:
"Guilt is the thing that kills the sense of power the fastest.
The more you judge or condemn others, the more you deprive them of the power to change. ”
Parents' endless criticism, accusations and denials cannot change the child's behavior, but will weaken the child's inner strength, making the child sensitive, inferior, and anxious in the internal friction of shame, regret and self-blame.
Writer General Guo shared his experience in treating road rage in the book:
To treat her road rage, she constantly reflected on herself – I wanted to go all the way too much and didn't accept any vehicles cutting in line.
So, she set herself new expectations:
From unblocked all the way to congestion halfway, from no vehicles cutting the queue to allowing ten vehicles to cut in line.
As a result, she was surprised to find:
She can accommodate various situations within the predictable range and her mood becomes calmer.
Same reasoning.
Parents cling to their children's small mistakes, essentially because parents are too anxious and too much to pursue perfection.
If we lower our expectations of our children, allow them to make mistakes, and allow them to slow down, we will have a lot less anxiety and our children will have more mental resilience and strength.
I remember Li Xueqin once said in a program that her homeroom teacher firmly believes that "small trees do not repair and do not slip straight".
Therefore, she is often called parents.
However, instead of criticizing her, her father spoke for her in front of the teacher:
"Teacher, I think as long as the small tree does not grow crooked, there is no problem with a little branch."
Dad's tolerance and relaxation gave her a relaxed and comfortable environment to grow up, and also made her the best version of herself.
So, you see, really powerful parents never consume their children on small things.
Instead of clinging to the child's small mistakes, let the child live carefully, like walking on thin ice.
It is better to grasp the big and let go of the small, give the child a kind and relaxed environment, and let the child grow into a tree full of vitality in a sufficient sense of security and happiness.
William Dresiewicz, a professor at Yale University, wrote in his book The Good Sheep:
"I have seen many friends around me sacrifice their health, friendship, love, personal exploration, extracurricular activities, etc. for the sake of grades and resumes, and these sacrifices are the cornerstones of building a person's heart and soul."
The same is true of our current education.
Desperately chicken dolls, crazy involution, consuming children in countless little things, so that children lose the most important thing in education in the process of growing up:
Plenty of confidence, enthusiasm and drive.
Education is an elegant and slow process.
No anxiety, no involvement, no internal friction, in order to let children easily go into battle and walk their own life path.
Like it, being a sober and relaxed parent is the luck of a child's life.
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