Abstract: The accidental death of a hamster became an opportunity for father Shi Ming to teach a life and death lesson to his three-year-old son and six-year-old daughter. It also caused a lot of discussion, do we need to talk to such a heavy topic with such a young child?
It is an inescapable reality that the rate of suicide among adolescents is increasing and getting younger. Teaching children how to deal with life has been carried out in kindergarten and in many cities such as Shanghai, Suzhou and Changzhou. How to talk to a child about death? How can their fears be alleviated and their understanding of life established? Parents, schools, psychology teachers and children have their own answers.
Text|Wei Xiaohan Editor|Wang Coral
After the accidental death of a hamster
When Shi Ming rushed to the "scene of the incident", the body of the one-month-old hamster was already stiff. The "perpetrator" apparently realized that he had run into trouble, and the body was covered in its colorful hut, presumably not wanting to be discovered. Shi Ming held it up with his hand, and the white hair mass was cool. That's the "secret" that his six-year-old daughter ran to the kitchen and secretly told him — "my brother said don't tell you, [his] hamster might be dead."
The hamster was originally raised by her sister, and the second-child family always wanted to balance, and bought one for her three-year-old brother. Before the hamster arrived home, Shi Ming told for a long time - it is very small, very fragile, and it is easy to die if it is accidentally dropped on the ground, so it must be carefully cared for. The two children excitedly crouched by the cage to observe the exploration, broadcast the latest news, "it now eats a big fish", let them crawl around, sometimes in hand. Less than a month later, what he feared had happened.
The unexpected termination of a small life made Shi Ming's heart sink. He held the body of the hamster, patiently, and explained the truth to the child for half an hour, how did it not take long to die? Have you thought that hamster's parents can also be sad? The more he spoke, the more excited he became, and he asked, "Are you sad that the hamster died?" Scared? ”。
The three-year-old boy sat beside him dumbfounded, "not sad, not afraid", his expression could not show sadness.
The child's performance made him feel incredible, a life is gone, at least cry or express sadness, right? The half hour just now seemed to be a blank statement, "How can my child be so cold and emotionless?" Shi Ming didn't hold back, roared, the child's eyes turned red at once, and tears fell with a snap.
Shi Ming's emotions calmed down slightly, he usually rarely got angry with children, and he also realized that roaring was just venting his emotions. Shi Ming hugged the child, who was only three years old, and asked him in detail what had happened.
"The process of the crime" is pieced together little by little in the fragmentary description of the two children. The younger brother is unintentional, he wants to play with the hamster, put it in a toy drawer, at first accidentally fell down, and his sister caught it; Later, the drawer was closed, the hamster was struggling, he did not control it well, and he got stuck when he pushed in.
The accidental death of a hamster has become an opportunity for children to contact death. Shi Ming felt that he could do something more. That afternoon, he took the bodies of his two children and a hamster to a park near his home and gave him a small funeral.
The "cemetery" is chosen by an open lake in the park, and the traditional concept is that "water is a good thing", and there are many small trees growing on the soft land, flowers and plants scattered, and there is a fence separated from the roadside, and few people enter. The younger brother took the hamster from the small yellow drawer, covered the soil with his hand, and inserted a branch. The two children learned from their father, bowed and said to the little tombstone, "Hamster, sorry, I accidentally killed you, you are good to go."
The funeral of the hamster Stone Ming video screenshot
Shi Ming posted the story online. Many netizens recalled their ignorance of life and death when they were children in the comment area - because of curiosity, they fished out goldfish and put them on the table to cut, took out bird's nests, went to attend their grandmother's funeral at the age of three, and were happy to see a lot of beautiful wreaths. Only then did he realize that when he was a child, he also used water to fill ant holes and cut earthworms with small branches.
"Three-year-old children are in the pre-computing stage, there is no concept of death, and each child's ability to empathize also has individual differences, which is normal, and good guidance is the key." A netizen shared the pedagogical knowledge he had learned.
After reading these sharing, Shi Ming reconciled with the doubts at that time - "not sad" about the death of the hamster, perhaps not representing the child's indifference. He began to reflect on his emotions, "Is it imposing adult ideas on children?" I feel that it is right to cry and apologize, and children and children are not the same. ”
In the two children at home, it is more evident. The same highly sensitive personality, the sister went to kindergarten to separate anxiety, crying for three years, the younger brother's expression is not so explicit, but moved the chair away from classmates, turned his back to everyone, thoroughly familiar with the will speak.
That funeral was like a little game in spring, and every time I went to the park, the hamster's tombstone became a must-see attraction. Children always have to look, is the tombstone still there? Once chatting before bed, my brother asked, "The next time I look at a hamster, can I open its tombstone?" ”
That time, he carefully explained to the children the meaning of tombstones. That represents dead life, it cannot be opened, "Let's say dad is dead, you come back to the cemetery and talk to me, look at me, it represents your dead dad, how can it be opened?" "Hearing this, both children cried.
Before the birth of the child, Shi Ming's father died after struggling with cancer for three years. Children often ask grandpa? He said that Grandpa was very ill and was now in heaven. Three years of the epidemic, Shi Ming did not have the opportunity to take them to visit his grandfather's grave. He thought that this year he would still take the children to really feel it and tell more about his grandfather.
The first lesson in life
Shi Ming did not communicate much about this with the parents around him, he guessed that "ordinary parents will think that this is a thing, needless to say so much, children will understand when they are older."
The family also felt that it was necessary to officially talk about death with such a young child? The wife feels that the matter has passed, there is no need to repeat it, just know that the mistake is corrected; The concept of the previous generation is even more different, his mother thinks that the child will understand when he is older, why are you so serious with him? "Grandma said that death cannot be put on the lips, and if you say more, you will die." This is what the son learned.
This matter was shared on self-media, but it attracted a lot of attention, some people shared their childhood experiences, and some people tried to explain from the child's growth stage. Some people disagreed with his approach, "My mother is not well, I realized this too early, I was very scared, I couldn't sleep well at night, I had to call her every day during the day, I was cranky, I would really be very insecure." ”
In the end, how to explain death to the child, Shi Ming is not the only one who is confused. A while ago, a mother privately wrote to him, her son is still very afraid of death when he is eight years old, and refuses any related topics, is there any way? More parents encounter situations where their children feel bad and cry when they see a fish or rabbit dead at home.
The death of small animals and relatives is often the first lesson in their lives. Yu Qun, a child and adolescent psychological counselor, introduced: "In the kindergarten stage, children are in the psychological stage of 'animism'. He will feel that small animals and plants have the same life value as me, and the death of a pet, which is no less sad than the death of a loved one, may also bring a great psychological blow to the child. ”
How deeply does the loss of life affect children? She feels that depending on the importance of the lost life to the child, in addition, the child and the child are different, and the cognition and attitude towards life may be different.
Every family copes differently. Some people choose to comfort and tell their children that everyone will die, but parents still have a long time; There are also mothers who do not want their children to face death, and the little turtle that her daughter likes very much dies, so while she is asleep, she rushes to the flower and bird market as soon as possible in the morning, knocks on the boss's door, and buys an identical one again.
Zhu Zhu, a teacher at Jingcheng Kindergarten in Suzhou Industrial Park, also encountered the same problem. There is a vegetable field in the kindergarten, which is a place for children to do life education, and she will take the children to observe the jagged polymorphism of life - some seedlings grow faster, some are slower, that is, the sun is different; There is a hole in the vegetable leaves, it is dried by insects, mature plants do not pick it the next year can have new life again, they buy a few grass rabbits and pet rabbits, watch the pet rabbits drink water with a ball pot, grass rabbits run on the land.
Children feeding the little bunnies. Photo courtesy of the narrator
One morning, several rabbits in the cage disappeared, leaving only a lump of poop that was clearly not a rabbit. When the children found out, two missing rabbits lay quietly not far away. "Is the rabbit asleep?" Children guess. At that moment, she followed the child's statement and bought back two identical ones, and the children called the name of the rabbit, very happy, "Ash is back!" ”
Do you want to tell your child the truth? She has seen such news, some parents say that death is very fragrant sleep, causing children to fear sleep. "I don't think it's perfunctory to them, let alone deceive them, and listen to your child's opinion on this issue."
During the class, she told the children that the rabbit was not asleep, but was bitten to death by a weasel, and some girls showed sad expressions. "So what are we going to do?" Under her questions, the children actively gave answers, "to protect the new rabbit more" and "to repair the cage".
Of the three rabbits that were killed by weasels, the children found two, and the other Zhuzhu found only half of it when it was found, and the children did not see it.
Rabbit accompanies the children from kindergarten to kindergarten graduation, after the arrival of the epidemic, the children are at home on holiday, a child volunteered to bring the rabbit back, her home is in the countryside of Suzhou, there is a large yard.
Everyone cares about the dynamics of the rabbit across the screen, four little rabbits are born, but the first litter of rabbit mothers is inexperienced, and within a few days some starved to death, some were stained with human smell and trampled to death by the rabbit mother. Parents and children find out the reason together, and when giving birth to a second litter, they take extra care, prepare a warm litter, wear gloves, and breastfeed. The little rabbit has grown hair, and its head has stood up, a small one. After the start of school, the children brought them over and told the students the details of the birth of the little rabbit.
Life education through exploring nature and reading picture books, in Zhu Zhu's view, is also to dispel the charm of death, so that children can reduce fear and cherish life. "In the process, they will recognize life, old age, sickness, death, and let them know that this is a natural phenomenon."
The solace of fear
Psychological counselor Yu Qun once met a child who suffered psychological distress because of death.
The child in the third and fourth grades of primary school was sent by his parents for sand table therapy because he was not interested in learning. It was not until more than a dozen visits and a relatively safe and stable relationship that the child expressed that the death of his grandfather a year ago brought him great pain.
"Children are not so expressive, and when they have psychological distress, they may not be able to complete something as simple as homework. This child was raised by his grandparents since he was a child, and it is possible that the death of his grandfather is a huge loss, and his grief needs to be paid attention to and dealt with. ”
Whether it is the need to convert "grief" into a level acceptable to children, or to talk to children about life and death in advance, Yu Qun believes that using stories and picture books is a feasible form. "When encountering death, it may be difficult for parents to talk to their children from a professional psychological point of view, but they can use stories and picture books to start the topic."
Faced with the question of "where did I come from" for the countless times, during a long traffic jam, writer Lint imagined such a world for his son, who was only three years old at the time-
"Mom and Dad held hands tightly and slept together, had the same dream, went to heaven to pick a child in Little Angel Paradise. Fairies and kindergarten teachers look similar, children are like your kindergarten classmates, this one is too skinny, that is too fat, until we meet a little boy next to the slide, his eyes are smiling like a crescent moon, and there is a crumb of bread at the corner of his mouth. When the dream woke up, my mother's belly grew bigger day by day. ”
The story is like an infinitely inclusive container, carrying the child's ever-increasing life experience. Uncle died on New Year's Day one year, and Lint went back to his hometown. The son was particularly nervous, and for the first time he learned that people would die. That strange uncle made him toss and turn all night without sleeping well, and he thought to himself, if he died and returned to heaven and became a different angel, he might not be able to meet his parents.
The next morning, he told his mother that he had found a solution. "He had a bad pronunciation at the time, and 'go' was always said to 'shake'. He said I was sitting on the slide, and you yelled 'don't shake,' and I knew my mom and dad were coming to pick me up. ”
These stories were incorporated into her book, and because the book toured dozens of cities. Parents brought their 3~6-year-old children to listen, and almost all of the thousands of families she contacted had raised questions about life and death.
Lint feels that her child is a more self-consistent type, and she has also seen particularly sensitive children, since she was a child, after the death of her grandmother, when she saw the milk pigeon on the plate at dinner, she would cry directly, "This pigeon is so pitiful, it has been chopped in half."
To what extent does life and death education need to be achieved? Yu Qun felt that there was no need to overdo it, such as letting young children watch some pictures of life lost, such as watching rescue scenes through on-site reports during the Wenchuan earthquake, which children at that stage could not bear.
Yu Qun believes that there is no need to deliberately let children feel the pain of death in advance, but there is no need to avoid talking about the topic of life and death, and excessive avoidance may plant a seed of death fear for children. Think of it as a daily topic like going to the dentist and self-protection.
Children can find the answers on their own. Lint's "paradise amusement park" became part of everyday life in his son's imagination. On the way to the observatory observatory to see the stars, he said to his father, you know what? I washed my feet in this river when I was in heaven. Lintter told him that when people die, they will still return to heaven, gazing at how the little angels he picked live, and after a while they will also become little angels. The child said, "I will pick my grandmother back in the future, let her eat a lot of food and do her homework," because that's what grandma did to him.
The story of his son written by Lint and illustrated by illustrator Ain-Silver is the picture book story "You Are My Little Angel", Changjiang Literature and Art Publishing House
Life education in the post-pandemic era
On the winter solstice of 2021, Lintter's grandmother died of a lung infection. During the months of Shanghai's lockdown, Lint often dreamed of her, a tough 89-year-old man who had died overnight. When she went out to do nucleic acid, she cried when she saw an old lady being helped out of a wheelchair by her family.
"Did you think of your grandmother?" The son on the side was keenly aware. Later, his "paradise amusement park" also had the figure of grandma tai, "if someone in the family wants to have a child in two years, we can just bring grandma back from heaven." As a mother, she was comforted and seemed less afraid of parting and dying.
The news of that Shanghai spring and the death of her grandmother, and the increasing deaths of her peers in the past two years, are changing the mother's outlook on life. She felt that death was not so far away, and began to talk to her children about particularly practical questions, why did Mom and Dad fly separately? It is the fear of accidents, and there must always be someone to support you; The requirements for children are also becoming more and more "unrolled".
Adults' outlook on life will be transmitted to children, which is also the feeling of psychology teacher Yu Qun. "When a child encounters difficulties, he needs the support of his parents, instead of putting pressure on him, or overly involving, and blaming him when he can't get it done." If the child's life growth is not supported, he will also despair of himself and want to abandon (life). ”
For children, it is not just the loss of life that scares them. She gave sand table therapy to a child who was bullied in kindergarten, and the theme of the whole sand table was full of the theme of death - being bullied made him feel that his life was threatened, and the fear of death was particularly strong.
In the post-pandemic era, life education is gradually sinking into younger children. In the process of carrying out life education, Jingcheng Kindergarten in Suzhou Industrial Park has done a series of surveys on children, and Mr. Pan, who is responsible for curriculum design, introduced, "Today's children have a wider range of knowledge, such as children in middle and large classes, they will know that plants and animals are alive, and we are born from our mother's belly. The understanding of death is still relatively rudimentary, such as children with rich feelings will cry because small animals die, but connected to their own lives, how to cherish life This piece is relatively weak. ”
The life education activities organized by Jingcheng Kindergarten allow children to experience the hard work of a mother's pregnancy one day. Photo courtesy of the narrator
For children's life education, there is more rich experience abroad, German schools let children participate in short life exhibitions, the average age of short life on display is less than 29 years old; In South Korea, it simulates the funeral and the process of death. A member of the Chinese People's Political Consultative Conference in Shanghai proposed introducing "life education" into preschool education at last year's National People's Political Consultative Conference (CPPCC) National People's Political Consultative Conference (CPPCC) at the National People's Political Consultative Conference last year, citing the case of Australia, where they have a dedicated "life education center." Teaching methods include storytelling, puppetry, interactive games, group activities, music and songs, and other forms that children can understand.
Teacher Zhu Zhu has learned many interesting forms, "Like Taiwan, children visit the delivery room, baby room, and operating room to feel the birth of life; Australia is similar to us, allowing small animals to enter the classroom, their swimming lessons will help drowning children, so many intuitive activities can make children feel the value of life. ”
From the perspective of children's cognition, the real understanding of death may not be until the age of eleven or twelve. Yu Qun said that children's cognition of death is a process. "At first, you may think that death is sleep, a temporary or long-term absence, until you finally know that death is the disappearance of a life."
When they grow up, children's cognition of death will be enriched. Some scholars have done research in six schools in Shanghai, and by the sixth grade, children are increasingly beginning to think about deeper philosophical issues, and the contradictions between life and death, life values, etc., will gradually become deeper with age.
In Yu Qun's view, the meaning of talking to children about death at a younger age is to let children have concepts. It won't bring too sudden a shock when you really encounter it. "Parents can use picture books to talk to their children about death."
After that hamster's funeral, death became a topic of conversation between Shi Ming and the children, just like love, gender, and self-preservation. Once in a bedtime story, he read a picture book to the children called "Grandpa's Paradise Notebook". The world after death is not so scary, for example, people will fly and eat everything they want. After a person dies, he can also turn into something and return to his loved ones.
If you do something bad, you have to go to hell, where there is always a queue for the toilet, clothes are always wet, and you have to practice every day. The children seriously conclude - "Hell is too scary, I'm going to heaven."
The story remains in the child's heart. Once Shi Ming accidentally left a scar on his hand when he cut vegetables, and his younger brother shouted, "Dad, grandpa has come to you!" ”