Many people understand that mothers are critical to their children and to the family, but why is a strong mother destructive to the family?
Recently, after watching "American Serial Killer Documentary", what surprised me was that many perverted murderers seemed to have some common development: basically from the strong mother's family, which made me very curious, so I searched 2~3 related articles on the Internet and edited them together, looking forward to a proactive and correct guidance for students' future homes and partners.
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1. The stronger the mother, the weaker the son, and the daughter shows the king.
A strong woman does not equal a woman in the workplace. When people often talk about strength, they often refer to temperament rather than work. Many women in the workplace are "iron ladies" at work, and when they go home, they become "little ladies", but their married life is very happy. Conversely, there are some women who do not necessarily do a very big job, but they are very big in nature and very courageous, especially like to say one thing at home, and everyone calls this kind of wife who likes to be a "goddess" at home a strong woman.
In a previous book "Women Are Not Ruthless and Unstable Influences" was professionally explained in a chapter, the stronger the woman, the more stressful the husband, the discord between the couple, and even the high probability of the husband having an affair, because the husband can not get the attention you deserve here, he can only go to the women outside to find relief. In recent years, everyone only needs to watch emotional programs to find that the women in the family are too strong, not only the husband is suppressed, but also the development of the son is very bad, and even such a situation will occur, the stronger the woman, the son created is not only not easy to be as tenacious as her, but weaker.
The role of the father in a physically and mentally healthy family is crucial, even decision-making. Everyone often says that the husband and father are the backbone of a family, not only refers to the boy pressure the economic development of the family, but only plays a dominant position in the family, otherwise, the father lacks or the father is weak, and the power falls to the mother, which leads to a very serious adverse impact on the psychological state of sons and daughters.
Psychological counseling has found that, in general, when the father's effectiveness in this family becomes weaker, the mother will become more and more powerful and even indispensable. From the perspective that children will always recognize the gay father and mother, the girl will recognize the strong mother, and in the long run, the girl will also become a strong girl, and in many families, the mother and daughter who have a deteriorating relationship are usually the mother and daughter with the same temperament, that is, a strong mother must have a strong girl; Emotionally unstable mothers will definitely inherit the problem of emotional instability to their daughters, and sometimes you can find some very interesting situations, when the girl resists the mother's dictatorship, the girl is also quietly inheriting the mother's dictatorship, and will justifiably link her future to her daughter.
If in the girl's growth stage, the girl has always seen that her mother has too much anger towards her father, when the girl grows up, she will unconsciously transfer this mentality to her own marriage relationship, and has been angry with her boyfriend or husband for no reason. In psychological counseling, I met a lady who was a typical acute child, and she was inexplicably angry with her husband, and then in a casual chat, asked about her parents' relationship, originally the same, her mother and her nature, also like to mumble to her father. The mainland saying "if there is a father, there must be a son, and if there is a mother, there must be a daughter", it means that this kind of father and mother recognize the psychological state, the cruel father must have a cruel son, the nagging mother must shape the nagging girl, everyone has always been unintentionally used as a model for their children, creating the temperament of their children, and endangering their children's psychological growth.
Strong mothers are mothers who manipulate their homes and children with their own beliefs.
Four sad characteristics of strong mothers:
(1) arrogance;
(2) Raise your toes;
(3) finger-pointing;
(4) Fault picking.
Four habitual personal behaviors of strong mothers:
(1) We must listen to our mothers, and all mothers will decide;
(2) Strictly monitor the child's every move, and know his whereabouts and personal behavior;
(3) All thematic activities of the child must be reported to her, and permission must be obtained before personal behavior is necessary if necessary;
(4) Blindly following the trend of guidance in children's daily life, interfering horizontally, and controlling their public and private lives for no reason.
The three psychological states of strong mothers are traced:
(1) Appearance, insecurity, not alone, personal value must be continuously confirmed by external things;
(2) obvious exclusivity, love for women, putting all the emotional burden on the girl's body;
(3) From small to large, self-centered manipulation and control become subconscious personal behavior.
2. Discipline makes children lose self-confidence, children are short-tempered, unassertive, and rely too much on their parents for everything. Too strict a teaching method can easily erase the individuality of the child.
The teaching of mothers, fathers and children is different from that of work, leaders and subordinates. Otherwise, it will have a negative impact on the child's temperament. Authoritative experts analyzed that in today's social development there is a kind of mother, their own work is strong and clean, the work is very successful, therefore, they pursue the best for the child, but if the child does not do well, it is likely to be blamed by the mother, this kind of "strong" mentality is more serious to endanger the child's physical and mental health and all normal growth and development.
Many mothers regard shaping their children as a way of self-worth, and if they can successfully shape their children into high-level talents, they often rely on their use value on their children, and their children's success is their success, and their children's failure is their unsuccess. Therefore, many mothers are forced to transfer such work pressures to their children, implicitly imposing their beliefs on their children, who are increasingly less confident in the many disciplines here. Too much pursuit leads to the loss of the sense of belonging of the young child, the mental pressure increases, at this time the child is more and more tired, all accusations can not impress him, more and more confident and inactive.
In front of the eyes of a powerful mother, there is no reason for the choice of daughters to recognize, but what about sons, another situation will happen, that is, there is no reason to hide. Adler, a well-known German psychologist, has a wonderful view on this matter, "If the mother is more credible and nags at other people in the family all day long, girls are likely to follow her example, becoming more and more snarky and harsh; Boys stand on the influence of defense from beginning to end, fearing criticism, and try to seize opportunities to show their deference. "Because when the mother keeps reprimanding and accusing her husband, she is actually reprimanding and accusing all men, and the son, as a man, will hide in a corner where no one is like his father."
Therefore, when an overly strong wife likes to tease and sneer at her weak husband, she is actually equivalent to throwing this kind of teasing and cynicism to her son, so a strong wife must have a weak son, and the more she reprimands her husband for being weak, the weaker her son becomes.
Psychological counseling found that the powerful mothers of the big but the kind did not create strong sons, but most of them were weak or even incompetent children, and there were countless examples of that in history. Wu Fantian was strong enough, captured Li Tang Jiangshan, and became emperor herself, but many of her sons were weaker than one and more ordinary than another.
Let's talk about Empress Dowager Cixi, it is also strong enough, and cooperated with Prince Gong to destroy Tuogu's eight-fold minister, and obey the government with Empress Dowager Ci'an. But he gave birth to an unsuccessful son. The Tongzhi Emperor was also a master with no skills, and eventually went to the kiln to find mold. Tongzhi's temperament is also very weak and ordinary, and he went out to prostitute and prostitutes to a certain extent to force his mother, because Empress Dowager Cixi taught him extremely strictly, and he needed to interfere with which queens he married, resulting in his normal husband and wife sex life could not be carried out, and he could only lose himself outside. This is the energy of recognition.
3. A strong mother will make her son unmanly.
Many of today's mothers are very capable. In ruling and manipulating the family, it is usually also up to the mother's faith and leading cadres. The result is that the patriarchy cannot reflect the influence of its own leading cadres, and if the family wants to maintain relative harmony, the father can only "firmly support" the mother's opinions and suggestions, otherwise it is a dispute or cold violence. Therefore, the inferior father handed over the influence of the leading cadres in the family that originally belonged to him.
From the perspective of the mother, it is likely to be: first, the mother herself lacks a sense of security, and personal value must continue to be recognized by the outside world, especially the recognition of relatives; Second, the mother found that her husband could not become a trustworthy person, and out of restlessness, she had to exercise the core dominance; Third, the mother felt that her father was weak and ignorant, and it was not easy to clearly put forward all the overall suggestions, so she decided everything by herself; Fourth, mothers have been self-centered since childhood, and like to manipulate and control other people's personal behavior; Fifth, the mother has a clear desire for exclusivity and puts all the emotional weight on the child.
It is indeed very tragic for boys in this kind of matriarchal daily life. From a social psychological point of view, the growth of boys requires a tall and big brand image of a man. In the absence of the father, it is likely that the boy will think that the man is like the father, and the woman is like the mother. The child's strong mother still presents no problems, until early childhood and childhood, because the father is weak and cannot prevent the mother from intervening too much in the child, the child will have a variety of problems.
Difficulty 1: Boys have difficulty being masculine. Children have less understanding of men's energy, will occur "father's lack of love syndrome", lack of masculinity, growth and development at the level of rest, size, posture and other levels are relatively slow, and there are emotional disorders such as anxiety and weak self-control, and they will become more and more weak, timid, introverted, and unconfident at the temperament level. When the future enters the social development, there will be all kinds of discomfort, unable to do things according to their own gender role standards, like to find a strong woman to consummate marriage, unable to become a very trustworthy husband.
Problem two: Make children disrespect authority. In a patriarchal home, children will not only learn from their fathers to respect authority and understand ranks, but will also continue to feel that men are like their fathers. In addition, in the dysfunctional home, children deal with strong mothers, usually instinctively reacting to please the "strongest", especially boys, they will also follow the mother, inadvertently resist the father, and do not attach great importance to the father's advice.
Problem three: Subjecting children to too much maintenance. The mother's excessive strength is the main manifestation of her lack of belonging, which will make her a typical guardian. Worry that the problem of their own worries will appear in the child, as long as it is not conducive to the child, think about it, and prevent it according to their own diligence. Therefore, the mother does everything in place, stipulates that the child follows her in terms of ideology and personal behavior, and in the end the child will not be easy for anything, completely relying on the mother, which further confirms the mother's thoughts.
Problem 4: Putting too much work pressure on children. Strong mothers are usually excellent at work and perfectionist, and will regard shaping their children as a way of self-worth, and pursue the best in pursuing children. Therefore, they invisibly impose their beliefs on their children, and also rely on their use value on children. It cannot be denied that this kind of strong mother invests a lot, but it is this kind of "investment" that makes the child feel the pressure of work, which is very easy to lead to the child's loss of belonging and confidence, and leads to the child's psychological state of lack of confidence after adulthood.
Problem 5: Make it difficult for children to be alone. A strong mother is not only strong in front of her husband, but also in front of her child's eyes, and cannot allow her child to say "no". Long-term under the strong manipulation of the mother, of course, ignoring the child's characteristics and experience, the child has few opportunities to make decisions alone in daily life, everything is educated, guided, and distributed by the strong mother, and in the long run, the child will give up his own burden, lose the ability to solve difficulties and cope with daily life alone, and produce no reason to obey and rely on the mother.
Problem 6: Children learn to resist depression. Strong mothers make their children indulge themselves, feel that everything they do is for a better mother, and cannot create a driving force in their hearts. Under the pressure of hegemonic work, it is useless for children to understand struggle, although they say "no need" in their hearts, but they can only show superficial obedience, which is why children feel that only by depression and containment can they have management rights. Therefore, children usually adopt a negative attitude when dealing with things that they cannot control and are unwilling to do, and grinding foreign labor occurs.
Problem 7: It is difficult for children to learn interpersonal communication well. Mom and dad are the first friends of the gay and opposite sex that children know about, and their harmony can make children learn how to communicate with gay and heterosexual men when they grow up, which determines the child's ability to get along with others. Under the management method of a strong mother, this kind of social cognition gets along deformation, making children worry about denial and rejection, and are accustomed to hiding their inner experiences. This kind of defensive force makes it tend to be independent by social development, and it is difficult to integrate into social development.
Problem 8: Strong mothers can cause "Oedipus complexes". Strong mothers because the more love they invest in money, the greater their hopes, the longer the connection between mother and daughter, and even continue to use their son as the only goal of "replacing the other half" as the only goal of emotional support. Eventually, it may be possible to desire to occupy the son, and to the point of expecting to share everything that the son possesses. That makes it difficult for the child to solve the mother's harm and get the true self. This makes it difficult for boys to recognize other girls as adults, and is more dependent on their own mothers.
In general, mothers who are overly aggressive, or who have a lot of contact with their children, must let their children have excellent cognitive ability and appropriate impression of their fathers in their own hearts. In fact, a smart mother will always give the father the opportunity to make the child feel the presence of the father anytime and anywhere, and valuing her husband is the best way to reflect patriarchy.
Naturally, fathers should not shirk their responsibilities, but also compete to participate in the management decisions of family issues. In the end, it must be understood that strong manipulation is sometimes not necessarily hegemonic manipulation of children's logical thinking or mentality, but may also be gentle strong love or strong manipulation of rhetoric.