Author: The main creative group Xiaotian
"A friend's daughter jumped from the seventeenth floor, and her life was forever frozen at the age of thirteen!"
Not long ago, I saw a tragedy shared by an education blogger on Weibo, and my heart was sad for a long time.
It turned out that this little girl had not studied very well, and her working-class parents spent all their energy and money on tutoring, but her grades were getting worse and worse.
For this reason, the mother always scolds the child for studying, comparing her with the classmates with good grades around her. Quarrelling without saying a word is the norm between mother and daughter.
And this time, because the girl failed the unit test, the two had a fierce dispute together. The mother slammed the door in anger, and the girl who was home alone did something stupid like this impulsively ...
As a parent, every time I see such news, I will always be particularly embarrassed. How painful and desperate this child must have been to jump from such a high floor so decisively!
Perhaps many parents believe that the most important thing in education is to grasp the learning of children. If you can have a good grade, your child's future will naturally not worry.
However, in this process, we always ignore the child's feelings. Are they tired? Is it stressful? Is there anything unhappy in your heart? Adults often know nothing.
In fact, our children are not as carefree and happy as the outside world thinks.
The 2022 National Depression Blue Book states that "30% of the total number of people under the age of 18 with depression; 50% of people with depression are school students. The prevalence of adolescent depression has reached 15%~20%, which is close to that of adults. ”
Many people lament that today's children are too difficult to educate, can't say, can't roar, run away from home from time to time, and commit suicide by jumping off buildings at every turn.
As everyone knows, behind this, there are more and more complex psychological problems hidden in children. There are even psychologists who call for "adolescents to live through adolescence."
In fact, there are traces of what a child will become. There are three signs that seem commonplace, but actually indicate that there is a problem with the child's psychological state.
Once found, be sure to get the attention of parents!
Always put "I can't" on your lips
In the show "Interview with Ryoko", a girl came.
Growing up, she always lacked self-confidence and felt like she couldn't do anything she did, like a waste.
For this reason, she has low self-esteem and even falls into the quagmire of depression.
And all this is closely related to her mother's attitude towards her when she was a child.
It turned out that her mother was very demanding of her, but she liked to use a demeaning education and always beat her blindly.
I remember an exam in junior high school, and she scored 117 points on a paper with a full score of 120.
After learning the score, she happily ran to share it with her mother, hoping that her mother would praise her.
Unexpectedly, the mother's response was only 4 words of indifference: "There are still 3 points left." ”
No matter how hard she tried, her mother never approved, and her eyes only focused on the 3 points that were missing. This incident made the girl particularly devastated at that time, so that it is still difficult to let go after many years.
And this has become the root cause of her always feeling that she is very bad.
There is a word in psychology called "learned helplessness", which refers to "a hopeless and helpless behavior and psychological state of reality" formed by acquired training.
In terms of education, when children are repeatedly hit and degraded because they cannot achieve the goals set by their parents, they may give up the courage and confidence to continue to work hard, and at the same time develop self-doubt and completely give up their efforts.
Over time, the child's self-perception will be biased, and he will always unconsciously imagine the worst, internalize the idea that "I can't do anything", and feel that he is worthless, which will lead to persistent negativity and depression.
To avoid all this, it's important for children to learn positive attribution methods.
For example, when a certain exam is not successful, negative attribution will think that it is you who can't do it, and your grades will always be so bad in the future. Positive attribution, on the other hand, makes people believe that failure is only temporary, and that if you work hard, you will definitely achieve good results next time.
Some netizens have shared their experiences:
She wasn't very smart when she was a child, and she was slow to learn new knowledge, so she learned very hard.
In elementary school, because the content is very simple, many students can easily get high scores in the exam, and she will make mistakes every time, and even be left by the teacher to make up the lessons.
In this regard, her mother never said anything about her, but always encouraged her and gave her confidence.
Once, she asked her mother in frustration: "I can't get a full score every time, is it because I can't study?" ”
But her mother told her gently:
"You know what? The larger the pot, the slower the water boils.
Their pot is small, so it opens quickly, but yours is large and has to be boiled slowly;
So, it's nothing to be inferior to others for the time being, and you will definitely do better than others in the future! ”
It was these words that gave this netizen endless energy. Later, her long road to study became smoother and smoother, and she was finally admitted to a prestigious university.
Therefore, when children always say "I can't do it", our adults' behavior will affect their psychological direction: their hearts are scarred because of this; Or get out of the shadow of inferiority and embrace the sun again.
Too sensible and well-behaved
People always say that "well-behaved", "sensible" and "obedient" are all labels for good children.
How many parents always want their children to be like this.
As everyone knows, children who are too sensible and well-behaved may not be a good thing.
The novel "Silent Confession" tells the tragic life of a sensible child.
The little girl Lydia has been burdened with too many expectations of her parents since she was a child.
When she was five years old, her mother ran away from home, which had a huge impact on her young heart.
Afraid that her mother would leave again, young Lydia secretly vowed that she was willing to do anything to win her parents' favor.
Since then, being sensible and well-behaved has become her disguise. Anything that makes her parents happy, she will do it without hesitation and show that she enjoys it.
Her mother wanted her to become a doctor, and her father wanted her to be sociable. Although she has no interest in all this, Lydia has always gritted her teeth and worked hard towards her parents' goals in order not to disappoint them.
However, as her studies became more and more heavy, she struggled more and more and her grades became worse and worse. At the same time, she became more and more silent, and there were no friends around at all.
Sensible and well-behaved pandering, in exchange for the affirmation of parents; Pretending to do their best, still unable to meet the expectations of their parents.
The poor girl finally broke down.
Late one night, she rowed a boat into the middle of a small lake near her home and resolutely jumped down...
There is a personality trait in psychology called "flattering personality", which refers to "only caring about the feelings of others, ignoring your own inner thoughts, and defining yourself only by the evaluation of others." ”
Psychologists generally believe that the emergence of flattering personality is often caused by unpleasant childhood experiences, such as lack of love, severe punishment for doing wrong things, abandonment and rejection by important people, or unstable emotions.
It turns out that the child's excessive well-behaved and sensible is a red flag. Behind it, it is the child who loses his self-worth and rights, lowers himself to the dust, and all the heartbreak is quietly carried by a person.
As psychologist Piaget said:
"The more sensible and obedient children are when they are young, the more psychological problems they have when they grow up. Because they are accustomed to satisfying the wishes of others and obtaining the approval of others as the leading point of life, they ignore their true thoughts and needs, and their hearts are depressed for a long time, which is very painful. ”
Such a child, who always lives for others, how can he face life optimistically and confidently?
Therefore, as parents, what we need to do is to give our children the courage and freedom to be themselves, and escort them with love.
Only in this way can sensibility and well-behaved become the true and beautiful qualities of children, rather than compromises full of forbearance and against their will.
Can't afford to lose, can't accept failure
In the eyes of many people, children do not admit defeat, which is a good quality.
It is undeniable that the right competitiveness can indeed make children hard-working and enterprising.
However, once the child becomes "unable to lose", it means that their heart is sick.
Psychology expert Chen Mo once shared such a case:
"A sophomore who always had insomnia, and his mother found a diary in his bag and was shocked.
It turned out that this child had always been the first in mathematics in the class. In the second year of high school, a new classmate from elementary school Olympiad, especially good in mathematics, snatched his first place.
So for half a year, the child was writing a diary, figuring out how to 'extinguish' each other. ”
At a young age, he was so vain and taboo that he was paranoid in his pursuit of achievements.
Children who cannot afford to lose have a distorted and narrow view of success or failure.
At the same time, they are often vulnerable to pressure and more prone to extremes.
In the novel "Leaving Song", there is a boy named Mao Bei.
He excelled from an early age, was at the top of his class, and never had any setbacks.
The smooth journey made Mao Bei proud and conceited. Before the college entrance examination, he swore in front of his classmates: "I Mao Bei must be admitted to Peking University in the future!" ”
Unexpectedly, on the first day of the college entrance examination, he forgot to bring the admission ticket, and could only hurry back to get it.
By the time he returned, half an hour had passed since the exam and he was denied entry to the examination room.
Mao Beida came home crying. For the next few days, he locked himself in his bedroom and refused to take the rest of the exam.
His parents persuaded him, but he shouted hoarsely: "I lost a whole score, what else to take!" ”
On the night of the end of the college entrance examination, Mao Bei opened the bedroom window, jumped, and left this world forever.
And on the suicide note he left behind, there were a few big words: "I am a loser." ”
There are statistics that show that:
In China, about 100,000 adolescents die by suicide each year. Among them, 45.5% are because they cannot withstand the fierce competition and excessive pressure in learning.
You can't accept that others are better than yourself, and you don't allow yourself to fail and fall behind. Children who can't afford to lose seem to be competitive, but in fact, they are fierce and fragile inside.
Such a child will most likely not win life.
The educator Sukhomlinsky said: "For a family, parents are the roots, and children are the flowers." Parents often 'see' their children's problems, but they don't know that they are actually their own problems 'blossoming' in their children. ”
In fact, the practice of parents is the key to affecting the psychological state of children.
Being a parent should not be a catalyst for depression and pain in the child's heart, but should be their most secure rear and dispel all negative energy in their hearts.
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