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Two days ago, I posted an article "Why Many Children Don't Consider the Feelings of Their Parents", which talked about some views on family relationships. Some friends disagreed, leaving a message saying that cherish the "meticulous" care of your parents, without you will know how precious it is.
This is a two-level problem.
What I want to express is that parents and children still have to maintain a degree of relationship with each other. Sometimes we feel that the child is a mess, and we can't bear it, we can think about it from another position, is the child also putting up with us?
Parents can hate children who do not compete, how can the exam not return full scores, children may hate their parents for not contending, how can they not make money to buy luxury houses and drive luxury cars, so that they struggle for decades?
Many adults will prevaricate, saying that they did not have such good conditions back then, but if there are such conditions, can they really read the Beida Vine?
Not necessarily. When I was a student, classmates from ordinary families read Qingbei everywhere, and there were no conditions to rely on IQ.
Since both sides have something inferior to each other, let each other go. Leave children some space to explore on their own, and don't do all the work for food, clothing, housing and transportation.
In the future, they may not be great people, but at least they will be self-reliant and family harmony.
Here are a few short stories for you -
What are the advantages of children?
This question has been bothering me for a long time. Because our family really has a very ordinary baby! Reading can be difficult to write homework, test scores are erratic, and they often oscillate between perfect marks and bottom grades.
One day, I drove my kids home. She suddenly asked me, Mom, my classmates were scolded and cried when they scored 98 points in the exam, why did you never say anything about 80 points in my exam?
Ouch, this appeal is also strange, the grades are not good, I haven't looked for you stubble, but you took the initiative to come to the door to find it. I thought for a moment and said, bad grades are your own business, shame is also shame of your own face, what does it have to do with me?
It wasn't learned for me.
I think the meaning of the exam is that if there is a mistake, you can correct it and remember it, as for the score more or less, watch and do it yourself.
Therefore, with my education method of lying flat below the horizon, it is difficult to understand the parents whose children have 98 points and scold, and feel that they are unconventional existences.
As a result, I did a live broadcast two days ago and connected a teacher who specially planned for Niu Wa. She said that she once brought a particularly excellent baby, and in the class full of top students, she won the first place in every exam.
In particular, once the topic was particularly difficult, he still took the first place. The teacher praised him for being powerful, and as a result, he got the roll and cried loudly.
The teacher asked what's going on? He said that if he didn't get 100 exams, he would be beaten when he went home.
The teacher said that the question was difficult, and it was normal not to get a full score. He said, my dad doesn't care, either full marks or to beat.
The teacher said that this was the first time she had met a top student. In that child's eyes, there was no competitive spirit, only a full desire for survival. It's quite distressing to watch.
So I talked to my parents, hoping to make my child less afraid. It turned out that this father believed in his bones, talent came out under the stick, and beating the baby was for the good of the baby-
See, from an early age, you have to have a heart for excellence (mostly an angry heart).
01
Some parents are always confused, as if they have given their all to the baby, and as a result, the child will not appreciate it.
I heard a story earlier, a professor in Qingbei entered the city from a rural university, and then relied on his tenacious efforts to study until he was a doctorate. Her husband is her college classmate, and he was also admitted to university from the countryside, with extraordinary ability, and when he was fighting, he became a management in a large enterprise, and the scenery was infinite.
The couple has a son who is also in college.
It seems that this is a standard elite family model: after a life of hard work, you can enjoy the thrill of standing on Mount Everest and looking down on all living beings.
However, it didn't. In the gorgeous resume of this elite family, the son is a huge black hole.
The college entrance examination results were poor, and he barely went to a second school, which made his parents lose face. As a result, they often fail exams, miss classes, play online games, and refuse to make friends with "humans".
What is even more unacceptable to parents is that rebellion is disobedient. His parents refused to let him play games and collect his computer, so he went to an Internet café; Let him go to class well, but in the end he didn't even go to the exam, forcing the school to expel him.
The better and more successful parents are, the higher the requirements for education, and the more cowardly, clumsy, inferior, and depressed their children are, and they have not become a "copy" of excellent parents, but they are almost the "opposite" of the image of parents.
Because the better parents, especially those who came out of the small town and entered the top famous schools, the more diligent and self-disciplined they worked, they changed their fate with knowledge, and they thought that they could also further optimize their children's destiny in this way.
They ignore that children are different from themselves.
From the moment his son was born, the professor formulated strict work and behavior norms, calling this the cultivation of the child's hard-working spirit;
Children are not as good as their parents, a small criticism and a big board, they call this the education of responsibility;
There is time to watch TV every day, time to read, and the highest percentage of test error rates!
She also wishfully cultivated the boy's temperament, so she reported taekwondo, swimming, Go, saxophone to the child... As long as the child does not perform well, the parents are very angry, they feel that this is their own carefully chosen path to success, why are you not grateful and unappreciated?
The more successful parents expect their children to succeed, but they don't know that all their plans have become shackles, and all their own successes are dimensionality reduction blows for an immature, ordinary child.
These second generation of Kochi, standing in the shadow of these so-called successful parents, living a life that has been arranged in various ways, and has been held irrationally expectations by everyone since childhood, why should they appreciate it?
02
When my daughter was in kindergarten, there was a great classmate in the class.
At the age of 3, he knows hundreds of Chinese characters, at the age of 4, he can recite dozens of Tang poems, and within the age of 5 and 20, he is the fastest in the class.
It is also a selection of English, Go, calligraphy, piano, programming, all kinds of excellent online, in his parents' circle of friends properly lived as a benchmark, living as "other people's children".
But also this excellent classmate. If he can't get the toy, he will cry and make a fuss, and others will splash and roll around a little faster than he can play the game. Every day, I lose my temper three or five times in the classroom, beat people and get out of control...
The classmates draw together, his lines are always a mess, and the color is always only one.
Later, the teacher told me that his parents were top students, so he was raised as a top student since he was a child.
Xueba-style cultivation means that there are no other branches and forks in life except reading.
Dad is always fierce, he feels that there are no other problems between himself and his children, only math problems;
often use the excellence of his reading era to despise his son for not getting a full score - lack of consciousness and not motivated;
They even think that you don't make too many friends now, waste too much time to study, and then enter the Qingbei and socialize in the future, and the contacts you establish are valuable.
They don't care much about whether the child has childhood and self, nor do they care much about whether the child is mentally disordered, they just push the child forward according to the path they think can be more successful, and what they want is just a child who can let himself get a moment of superiority in the circle of friends contest.
The child is very miserable but has no outlet, can only lose his temper for no reason, so he becomes the kind of person who is hated in the crowd -
No one likes to play with him.
03
The more inspirational and successful the parents, the more rugged the growth of the elite second generation seems to be.
Dr. Peking University did not return home for 12 years because he grew up living a life defined by Kochi's parents in the system, which led to the collapse of his life as an adult.
His mother liked to do everything from the length of the pants he wore to what school he attended, and kept everything she could to keep him at home.
He said that my parents forced themselves to stay in their school where they were bullied on the grounds that "you are too young to ride", "you can't stand the competition from local famous schools", and "251 Middle School will focus on training you".
He talked to his father about the problems at school, and his father said, "The lowliest dog wants what fairness!" ”
The parents raised a Peking University doctor who felt that his path was extremely correct, and even when he was complacent about "managing too much", he did not realize that his family relationship had been lost, and his son was forced to the other side of the world by them.
He saw very clearly that he, a high-achieving student, was destined to be an emotionally incompetent person.
He also saw that his parents grew up in a family that lacked emotional communication, and the natural inferiority and conceit that made him a victim of the generation of elite families who came out of the county.
He said he was biological.
It's just that under the shadow of successful parents, there is no life.
04
Often, parents who are both successful academically and professionally rarely notice that they have made a mistake.
They feel that they have always been right to get where they are today, so they habitually think, "You have to listen to me, because I eat more salt than you eat rice." ”
Until the child embarked on the road of falling apart from himself, becoming a black hole in life that allowed himself to "only accept his life".
This is still a relatively good ending, because the result of many elite families is to pour all their hearts and souls, spend money and time, and finally get the mother-child relationship to break.
Just like Dr. Rumi of Peking University, he finally used a letter full of anger and hatred to break the bond between blood and family and all the hopes of his parents for the rest of his life.
So, what's wrong with a 98 on the exam? To be criticized, to be beaten... Doesn't this prove that children still have room to rise?
How many points are scored, parents must maintain their mentality. Because the life that children face in the future, it is impossible to have standard answers and full marks in return.
A growth mindset is more important than a perfect score mentality, and resilience is more valuable than the pursuit of excellence, isn't it?
-END-
Boil a bowl of chicken soup and have a good time everyone!
![When school started, a teacher's mother gave parents a 4-piece set of "saving your life", and the sentence is the truth![fig]](data:image/gif;base64,R0lGODlhAQABAIAAAP///wAAACwAAAAAAQABAAACAkQBADs=)