Little D has always had a small problem, like a shadow with her for a long time, recently I feel that her heart knot has opened a little, I want to record it and share it with you.
"Mom, I like Teacher Shi, he will always help me. But sometimes it helps me, and I can't do it~"
This is the original words that Little D said when chatting with me before going to bed, the teacher Shi in her mouth is their physical education teacher, and what she said "can't be done" is the sports project.
Even if it is, so what?
The limbs are uncoordinated and the movements are quite clumsy, this is Little D.
For a long time, my husband and I did not think this was a problem, after all, she was a super premature baby, she was born with an infection and a series of other problems, and it was judged that there was a 90% chance of using a wheelchair for the rest of her life.
Through early intervention, she finally took off her "high-risk child of cerebral palsy" when she was less than 3 years old and learned to walk independently.
Even though Little D wrestles more easily than children her age, and she always struggles to do many seemingly simple sports, we still feel that we are lucky enough.
So we never forced Little D to meet any standards, and every time she fell when she was little, we would often fall with her, and then the whole family laughed at each other.
We use our actions to tell Little D that it's no big deal to fall, rub it, cry and continue to get up.
Just like in the movie "A Beautiful Mind", before Little D was 5 years old, we used "game power" to build a world for her.
Because we know that in the face of backward movement and uncoordinated limbs, what we can do is to protect her fragile love, and the rest is to leave it to time.
She grew up and cared
After the time suddenly crossed to the age of 5, Little D began to compare with his peers around him. Among children, who runs fast and who dares to jump from a high place has become the most direct "comparison".
This is especially true after entering elementary school. Little D skipping rope is the last place, and the straddle horse often sits on it with one butt, and the various balls are extremely incongruous.
Little D jumped rope for the first time, typical negative teaching materials, the rope is not qualified~
Little D really began to care, which became her heart disease, which is why she would tell us before going to bed that even if the teacher helped her, the reality is that there are many projects, and she still can't do it "easily".
It was then that my husband and I realized that we were going to upgrade again, and the "beautiful world" built by game power alone was not enough, and this time, we needed to take her and face the real world.
At the beginning, we began to try various sports with Little D more consciously, looking for opportunities to take her to participate in sports interest classes every weekend, and going to various outdoor camps or hiking together during winter and summer vacations.
Children are naturally interested in "playing", but if "playing" is not good, if there are assessment standards on "play", she will be rejected, as is the case with Little D.
Sometimes even on foot, our family of three is often the one left behind. Although my husband and I don't care, Little D often gets angry because of this.
When she cried and screamed, I knew it was a little and she was angry at her "incompetence."
The same is true for interest classes, and at the beginning of the physical class, roller skating class, and swimming class, her eyes lit up when she heard the name.
But after a few classes, she began to resist and did not want to go. We actually know that it is because of the standards given by the teacher that she cannot do it.
I tried to talk to the teachers of interest classes, but many interest classes still have artificial "involution", after all, other parents want to "faster, stronger and better", and teachers can't take care of our children.
And after each interest class, even if we say to Little D, it doesn't matter; Even if we constantly remind her to see her starting point, sometimes it is quite pale.
At that time, she was less than 6 years old, and she could definitely perceive the existence of a "social evaluation system".
I opened it, and so did she
Is it distressing? Of course it hurts.
As a parent, the most distressing thing is probably when you see your children sad because they "can't do it hard".
This seems to be an unsolvable problem - but as a mother over the years, every time I encounter the problem of "no solution" to learn more parenting methods, I will realize that it is not the baby that may need to change, but myself.
I'll think for myself, have I had a similar experience? Do I need to overcome it? How did I overcome it if needed? If not, how did I reconcile?
As soon as this perspective changed, I suddenly felt enlightened - I am also uncoordinated, I also care about the evaluation of others, I dare to shoot videos, dare to face the camera, but still dare not dance casually.
What am I afraid of? What do I care about?
These two questions, in fact, I can't answer the exact answer, but the worry is solid and big.
At that moment, I seemed to understand Little D, maybe she, like me, imagined "something" more seriously.
At that moment, I seemed to know that opening my daughter's heart knot began with opening my mother's own heart knot.
During the period of lockdown, I would always pull Little D to dance along with the video, to tell the truth, whether it was Zumba or Pamela, my daughter and I couldn't keep up (although I was a little better than her).
Little D will be frustrated and even angry at first, but I no longer persuade and encourage, but continue to dance on the side, sometimes I can't keep up and tell her, you see, I can't keep up, then jump casually.
Slowly, Little D was infected by my joy, and "dancing casually" became one of the habits of our family, even if the old people would say "what kind of group of demons are this group of demons dancing" when they saw it, we would both say happily, this is called casual dancing.
Look, how much fun I danced
I used to go out and didn't like to take pictures, my friend proposed to take pictures for me, I was all twisted and pinched, all kinds of refusals, and at that time I found that Little D did not like to take pictures either. But then, I took the first step and took photos of various challenging poses.
Often friends laugh at me after filming me, you see, it perfectly reflects what is called "limb incoordination". At first, there will be a loss of embarrassment, but everyone looks back at the photos and laughs into flowers.
At that moment, I suddenly realized that it was not a big deal.
And when I laughed, I saw that Little D was also embarrassed from the beginning, slowly became relaxed, and would also joke with me, we are a duo with uncoordinated limbs, hahahaha.
Later, Little D loved to brush my videos, although I didn't tell her, but it was really for her, I recorded two "embarrassing dance" videos.
One night Little D sat next to me and brushed, I saw her read the following evaluation: Dancing is really not for you, you still talk about parenting dry goods.
She looked up at me and saw that I was looking at her too. I shrugged and said to her, Am I not trying? And I finished dancing and was really happy.
Little D pointed to the smirk at the end of me and said, Mom, I'm so happy to see it.
It was these little fragments that seemed "uneducated", but before I knew it, I felt something loose inside me, and I found that Little D was also relaxed.
She now goes to roller skating lessons, often trembling on all fours, always wrestling, but when she is resting, she will say to me loudly, Mom, my ass is blooming again, I will practice again later;
She goes rock climbing, her good friend is younger than her and climbs higher than her, she will encourage her good friend below, and then tell us, I can do it after a while, that is, I am slower;
In school, although sports often count down, she will also tell her classmates and teachers that I still enjoy the process of sports, the results are important, and the process is important. As a result, many of her classmates especially liked her and thought she couldn't be cooler;
She now goes out to take pictures, no longer twisting, our mother and daughter can dance awkwardly anytime and anywhere, and then we laugh and say to each other, as long as they are not embarrassed, it is someone else who is embarrassed.
How to face the ridicule of others, how to cultivate the spirit of "losing", I have written many, many methods.
It's not that these methods are useless, it should be said that it is learning these methods that nourishes my own heart, and then I become more and more courageous to accept my "imperfections", so that I also let Xiao D see that it is not difficult to "accept" myself.
After this experience, I feel that parenting has never been a "gift" from parents to their children, but that we have healed our inner child through this little life.
As I write this, I realize that it's not just me "raising" my daughter, she's also "nurturing" me.
The "small world" built with game power before the age of 5, we experienced it together with Little D; After the age of 5, the "big world" of real society, we experienced it again with Little D.
Whether it is a small world or a large world, we have to experience it ourselves, care about it, and then let it go by ourselves, we don't care anymore.
Then even the "cruelest big world" has become the "small world" we used to be, and this society has always had an evaluation system, but we can also have our own.
To end, share a short story from our recent time.
Some time ago I was in a bad mood at night and I was crying. Little D saw it and asked, Mom, what's wrong with you?
I told her, Mommy lost magic.
Little D hugged me and said, as long as you can still run and jump, we can get the magic back.
Yes, as long as we can still run and jump, we can find the "magic", the magic that believes in ourselves, the magic that is happy even if we do not do well.