Parents don't buy 200 yuan shoes, 28-year-old woman collapses and kneels: Is it really good that parents are so controlling?

Author: Chestnut

The Mom and Dad Institute (ID: mama_cn) was originally launched

01

Do you remember how many personal assets you have at the age of 28?

I believe that whether it is negative or negative, everyone has become independent and began to manage their own money, right?

But this news some time ago let me know that some people are 28 years old, but they are still attached to their parents like 8-year-old children.

Shaoxing, Zhejiang, a 28-year-old woman, and her parents in a shoe store to look at shoes, the woman fancy shoes more than 200 yuan, but the result?

Her parents just didn't pay for it, they didn't buy it for her, and when they were emotional, they knelt on the ground and collapsed and cried.

A 28-year-old adult, who already has the ability to live independently, should not ask his parents for money.

But the problem is that all the money she earns is saved with her parents, and they can keep it for her, but she is happy when she takes the money, but she is very hesitant when she spends it.

In the video, the woman can't help but roar at her parents in public:

"Are my feet that cheap? You saved all the money for me! ”

At that time, she was a little on top, stomped her feet hard in the store, and saw that her parents still did not buy it, and the woman finally broke down emotionally, kneeling on the ground and crying.

At that moment, she was angry, emotionally excited, and after falling something, she knelt on the ground, lying crooked on the ground crying and screaming.

But the parents standing in front of him just replied indifferently: "You are normal." ”

The woman's roar and the indifference of her parents formed a strong impact, which made people suffocate in their hearts.

Then the woman walked out of the store and lay on the railing to vent her emotions: "I just want to buy a better pair of shoes, why should you be so cruel to me."

There is no real empathy in the world, even if the other party is the parent who gave birth to me and raised me.

What bad intentions can they have?

The money you put in them is saving for you, as long as you can be obedient and obey their opinions, maybe they will not give it to you, but some parents are like this, possessive and controlling.

One netizen hit the nail on the head and said:

"She collapsed not because of these shoes, but because of a life that has been controlled for more than twenty years."

The moment she knelt down, it was a surrender to fate and a cry to her parents.

But parents can't hear it.

Controlling parents who blindly pursue "gentleness and obedience" are essentially not raising children, but enslaveing children.

02

Parents who always "take ideas"

Children are being forced to desperately

The psychologist and philosopher Fromm said:

"The opposite of education is manipulation, which is based on a lack of confidence in the growth of children's potential, and believes that children can only achieve normal development if adults instruct children what to do and what not to do, but this manipulation is wrong."

Children in the shadow of "controlling parents" have no freedom, lack happiness, and are difficult to resist.

Remember the Yang Yuanyuan who was manipulated by his mother all his life since he was a child?

Starting from the selection of volunteers, Yang Yuanyuan, who likes law, originally wanted to take the Dalian Maritime exam, but his mother jumped out, no!

My mother felt that Dalian was too far away, and the travel fee alone would cost hundreds of yuan. Besides, what if my daughter goes away in the future? So he asked her to apply to a local university.

After her son and daughter were admitted to college, in order to save rent money, she actually handled an internal withdrawal for herself in advance and ran to Wuda to join her daughter!

Yang Yuanyuan can only compromise, she has nothing to do with her mother.

Even if her roommate cast a strange gaze, everyone felt incredible, and she could only endure it.

So, the two slept on a 1.2 meter 2 bed for more than 1 year.

In the year of graduation, Yang Yuanyuan was admitted to the civil service in Guangxi and Zhijiang, Hubei, but his mother felt that it was too far away and vetoed it at once.

Later, Yang Yuanyuan also found a lot of jobs.

Her mother either feels far away, or she can't see it, or she feels unreliable, so she drags it out like this.

Helpless, Yang Yuanyuan can only go to work as a tutor and tutor, life is bumpy, and he has to pay off debts and support his mother, and his life is very difficult.

Even so, Yang Yuanyuan did not give up hope, and she worked hard for her future while going to work to earn money to support her mother.

In 2008, she fought hard and finally successfully landed ashore and was admitted to Shanghai Maritime University as a graduate student majoring in maritime law.

At this time, she was 30 years old.

But how could Yang Yuanyuan's mother quit so easily?

In order to live with her daughter, she moved to Shanghai again to share a bedroom with Yang Yuanyuan.

Yang Yuanyuan's dormitory girls had never seen this kind of formation.

Why does Shangyan still carry an old lady with him? It's also too awkward. So they moved out one by one.

In the eyes of his classmates, Yang Yuanyuan also became a ridiculed outlier and was pointed at.

After knowing this, the school was not used to her. Ordered their mother and son to find a new house and move out as soon as possible, and this incident became the last straw that crushed Yang Yuanyuan.

That day, she and her mother looked for a house in the drizzle for a day, and after placing her mother, Yang Yuanyuan, who returned to the dormitory, wrapped two tattered towels around his neck and ended his life.

She used the most extreme way to break free from her mother's clutches.

Some people say that children who are deeply controlled by their parents have long died spiritually, and the flesh is only a glimmer of proof of survival for them.

The excessive control of parents is like an airtight net, making it impossible for children to breathe.

Such children are actually just puppets, and what controls them is the huge hands of their parents behind their backs.

Controlling parents make their children lose the right to choose.

Children who have no choice since childhood are deprived of control of their lives.

03

When Wu Zhihong, a well-known psychologist, attended the "Strange Conference", he said: "The essence of parent-child relationship is dialogue and collaboration, not control. ”

Parents with a strong desire for control may reap the greatest disorder – either the child's personal will is killed by their desire to control, or the child rebels and becomes the "bad boy" they fear.

But in fact, many parents have fallen into the black hole of controlling their children without knowing it, how to self-check whether they are already overcontrolling their children?

Here are five ways to look at yourself:

1. Whether to monitor children

Always want to know what your child is doing and take this behavior for granted.

Not only to monitor behavior, but also to monitor children's thoughts.

2. Whether to force the child

When the child's words and deeds are inconsistent with his own will, he will not respect the child's opinion, but force the child to do what he wants, and do not hesitate to use violence, threats and other means for this.

3. Whether to belittle or ignore children

This is a tacit act of control that many people may not be aware of.

Parents who engage in this behavior will belittle their children's shortcomings and make them self-doubt; And when children encounter difficulties, parents often sit idly by and let their children get hurt.

Over time, the child will form a psychology: "I am very bad, so I have to listen to my parents." "I'm so bad, only my parents love me." In this way, parents can control their children more easily.

4. Whether to suppress children

When the child is uncontrolled, the first reaction of the parent is to oppose and suppress the child's unexpected autonomous behavior, whether right or wrong.

5. Whether there is moral kidnapping of children

Have you ever said something similar: "All the money in the family is for your schooling, all the good food is for you, and it is worth it for your parents to sacrifice their lives for you - can you still be disobedient?" ”

In the name of "love", everything is cared for and planned for the child, but just to keep the child out of his control. Impose your will on your child and force them to grow up to be what they want.

The reason why parents are extremely controlling is because of their own imperfections, allowing children to become an extension of themselves, thereby mending their own personality incompleteness and low self-esteem.

This subconscious mind will control the child's life in many ways, and if the child does so, it only perfects the parents, but does not improve the child himself, and the child has no opportunity to grow on his own.

So, how can parents control their desire for control?

1. Focus on yourself

Parents should find things they enjoy, rather than revolving around their children all day, and can leave some time for themselves while also giving their children autonomy.

As Ayn Rand said, "I swear by my life and the love of life that I will never live for others or ask others to live for me." ”

2. Maintain a sense of boundaries

It is necessary to learn to "break off" family affection and respect the differences of individual families.

Everyone is different, has different hobbies, different pursuits, different ideas, what they feel is good, the other party does not necessarily feel good, and because it is a family, you must force the other party to agree with their own ideas.

3. Give up "unreasonable hopes"

Controlling parents like to satisfy their control through their children's obedience, but this may become an "unreasonable expectation" imposed on their children.

When children do not meet their own requirements, it can make parents anxious, and anxiety is the beginning of the desire to control. So, instead of being anxious about ineffectiveness, it is better to make the state of mind a little "Buddha".

Of course, it is not without goals or let go, but conforms to and respects the laws of children's physical and mental development. Each child has his own growth curve, understands and accepts the child himself, and be a companion and supporter of the child's growth.

And children who have less sense of oppression and more sense of autonomy will naturally be responsible for their own choices, do what they like to like, and strive to complete their dreams.

4. Whoever is responsible

Let the child choose what he likes to do, and let the child bear the consequences, provided of course that the child is within a safe range.

There are two types of mistakes for children:

One is a mistake of principle, the child is unable to bear the consequences, parents must immediately correct it, to help the child to keep the bottom line of morality and safety;

The other is that children can deal with it by themselves, such as: how to adapt to the environment, cope with difficulties, face the pressure of going to school, etc., for these problems, parents should give children the courage to try, experience and overcome.

British psychologist Sylvia once said:

"The true love of parents is to separate your child from your life as an individual as soon as possible. The sooner this separation is made, the more successful you will be. ”

The best love for a child is to lead him step by step to the path of independent life, so that he can be separated from our lives.

The kid peels the eggs, we don't help;

We do not replace the child's housework;

We do not carry the responsibility of the child.

Parents know that separation is the best way for their children to grow.

Only by withdrawing from the child's life can the child have space for independence, and he will have the ability to soar freely in his own sky.

04

I believe everyone is familiar with Gibran's "To Children":

"Your children are not your children, they are children of life that desires itself.

They were born through you, not from you, they are with you, but they do not belong to you.

Give them your love instead of your thoughts because they have their own minds.

Provide housing for their bodies, but not imprison their minds.

For their hearts dwell in the house of tomorrow..."

To truly love children is not to control children, but to "hold hands when they are young, let go when they are old", and let them run freely.

How free a child is, how happy his life can be.

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