▎Media: "Partner" magazine, April 2021, No. 503, P52 "Marriage Clinic"
Experts in this issue
Guangzhou heard about the senior psychological counselor of the psychological counseling center and the national second-level psychological counselor - Tan Suyi
Lili Consulting:
My husband and I have been married for more than ten years, and our personalities and tempers are not suitable. He had a bad temper and had never stopped quarrelling and domestic violence since he got married.
I don't know when we started to fight or quarrel with each other anymore, I didn't have the heart to care about him, and I put all my energy on the child.
Sometimes I feel like my husband is treating his home like a hotel—a place to sleep. Where he is going, he never tells me; I was sick, and he wouldn't show the slightest concern.
I was so disgusted by the disappointment of this marriage, I didn't know how long I could last in this loveless marriage. I once considered divorce, but I couldn't bear to have children. My son is only 10 years old, and I can't bear to suffer from the divorce of my parents at such a young age. My relatives also advised me not to divorce, otherwise the child's psychology is prone to problems.
What should I do? Do I really have to endure it for the sake of my children?
Tan Suyi, senior counselor and marriage counselor of Guangzhou Heard Bar Psychological Counseling Center, analyzed:
One
Is it really for the sake of children and not divorced?
There are really not a few people who ask to stay in marriage on the grounds that they want to give their children a complete family, so they don't divorce".
This reason, at first hearing of it, has a tragic and great feeling, however, if the husband and wife do not divorce, is it really for the children? Or is it a covert self-deception?
◎ Many parents in the face of many things, because their own strength is not enough to do, will say that they are sacrificing and dedicating to their children:
I don't go to work for the sake of my children. The truth may be that I'm not confident that I can handle a new job.
I work overtime every day to earn money for my children's better life. The truth may be that I am not good at facing various situations at home, so I want to escape to work.
I have children, so I don't have time to study. The truth may be that you chased one series after another.
I got fat after I gave birth. The truth may be that you don't have enough willpower in your heart to live a self-disciplined life.
I don't get divorced for the sake of my children. The truth may be that you are afraid to face a completely unknown life alone.
The "all for the children" argument has become a panacea, which is good for self-comfort, but not for us to see our real problems.
Two
What is a "complete home"?
The statement "to give the children a complete home, so not divorce" is particularly confusing. This is a belief that is deeply ingrained in the group consciousness, and it does make sense at first glance.
When people around them use this sentence to persuade a person who is planning to divorce, it will probably cause their inner hesitation and panic.
What exactly is the definition of "complete"? Is it just that the family is complete and retains the formal dimension of marriage?
Although living under one roof, if they are hatred, indifferent, or carry out their daily lives as if they were fulfilling their obligations, the home is lifeless, and it is ridicule, suspicion, quarrel, indifference, etc., how can such a home be called complete?
The biggest harm to children is by no means the parents' respective well-being after divorce, but always living in a family that has long been divided and whitewashed, and whether there is love between parents or not, the child can fully feel it. If a child has been in a home without love and warmth for a long time, how can he grow up healthy?
Moreover, such a marriage, even if it is superficially peaceful at the moment, is difficult to last, and it is only a matter of time before bigger problems arise.
Therefore, a healthy single-parent family is more conducive to the physical and mental development of children than a conflicted, indifferent "whole" family. Think about it, when you are obsessed with maintaining the so-called integrity, is it for the sake of the child or for the needs of your heart?
Three
Are you ready for divorce?
You can start by thinking about the following questions:
To or without this marriage, are you ready?
Can you not have children?
Are you financially independent?
Can you take care of your child's life alone?
The growth of children will be hard because of single parents, are you ready?
Being able to live independently and to be happy is a prerequisite for a woman to say "no" to an unhappy marriage.
Women's lives are not just children, lovers, marriage, when learning to get nourishment from work, socialization, hobbies, make your world broader, and face the same marriage problems, you are more capable of making suitable choices.
Four
It is unlikely that divorce does not affect children, but if handled properly, the impact can be minimized
The impact of divorce between husband and wife on children is not brought about by the divorce itself, but is derived from improper communication and interaction with children.
Therefore, how to interact with children in the right way before and after divorce is the most effective way to reduce harm.
Before divorce, neither spouse should ask for the child's opinion, let alone pour your grudges on the child, and do not let the child be involved in your right and wrong.
Because no matter whether the child expresses support or opposition, he will eventually take the responsibility for the unhappiness of his parents' marriage on himself, and he will think that his decision caused his parents' unhappiness.
When the decision to divorce is told to the child, it may have a certain impact on the child's psychology at the moment, but if the parents do it properly, once he accepts the fact that his parents are divorced, the impact on him is very limited.
Therefore, in order to protect the child and reduce the harm, parents need to help the child clarify their responsibilities, and can tell the child peacefully and clearly together: the divorce is because of problems between the parents, and it has nothing to do with him. Although his parents no longer live together after the divorce, his parents are still his parents, and they still love him.
After divorce, if parents can try not to change the environment in which their children live, learn and grow, both parties and their families, do not slander and attack each other in front of their children, but respect and affirm each other in front of their children, can help their children reduce their negative impact.
Children are very adaptable, as long as we parents have more love and more patience, we can minimize the harm of divorce to children.
Tan Suyi
· I heard about it, senior counselor at the Psychological Counseling Center
· National second-level psychological counselor
· Psychosexual counselor
· Member of the Professional Committee of Psychological Counselors of Guangdong Mental Health Association
· Member of Guangdong Psychological Association
· Member of the Psychoanalytic Professional Committee
· Psychological consultant of the "Rights Protection Service Station" of the Guangdong Provincial Women's Federation