He Suohuan, a writer of sexual affective psychology, writes love stories, interesting strangers, and material knowledge.
In "The Little Prince", write this paragraph:
"It's because you give your time to your roses that makes your roses so important."
What is this logic in intimate relationships?
You fall in love with each other and give for each other;
After giving, the importance of the other person in your heart increases;
This is because in the process of giving, you invest a lot of "costs" in the other person; The higher the cost, the heavier the obsession;
When your efforts are rewarded, your heart rejoices;
Giving is not answered, you feel frustrated, lost;
When the relationship ends, the party who gives and loves more often has a harder time forgetting the ex.
From a psychological point of view, what are the reasons why you can't forget your predecessor?
-01
"White bear effect": memory deepening
In psychology, there is a playful concept called the "white bear effect".
This is a concept of "forced repetition, deepening of impression".
The psychologist asked students in two classrooms to watch the same documentary.
He said to one of the students, "Don't pay too much attention to the white bear inside."
With the students of another class, nothing was said.
After watching the film, the psychologist asked the students in both classes: What did you remember?
The results showed that the class that was told not to look at the white bear had a deeper memory of the white bear.
This psychological effect, the meaning is:
The more you repeat what you want to forget, the more you can't forget it;
The more people don't do things, the easier it is for people to do.
Think about it, are you the same in an intimate relationship?
After breaking up with an ex, most people's thoughts are:
"I'm going to forget him, I'm going to forget him."
But what about reality?
The more you remind yourself not to forget your ex, the more impressed you will be with your ex.
The more you mention it, the more profound it gets;
And the deeper the memory, the longer you forget your ex.
The best way to forget about your ex is to not hear it, don't ask, don't mention it.
It's hard, so you need to get busy.
When you're busy enough, you don't have the extra mind to think about "lost feelings."
-02
"Zeigarnik effect": unfinished, only regret
What are the weaknesses of human nature?
I have always liked only what I can't have, and when I have it, I never cherish it.
In relationships, isn't it even more so?
Those who are favored have no fear;
The feelings you get, gradually do not know to cherish;
It wasn't until after the loss that I regretted it.
Just like the line in "Journey to the West":
"There was once a sincere feeling placed in front of me, I didn't cherish it, and I didn't regret it until I lost it."
The "Zeigarnik effect" explains this phenomenon well.
Meaning:
What has not yet been done, in people's minds, is more impressive.
Read a book, you finish one, and you find that you quickly forget the knowledge inside;
Halfway through the book, you forget slowly.
Why?
Because you keep repeating "unfinished" things in your mind, the memory becomes deeper.
Breaking up with an ex is the truth.
The "more loving party" often cannot be let go.
The reasons are:
This relationship, in their minds, is to get married.
But things backfired, so "unfinished feelings" became an obsession in his heart.
Even if the sea is vicissitudes, even if the years change, every time they think of this feeling, they are still uneasy in their hearts.
Obsession, sometimes love;
Regret is also a kind of love.
-03
The more it costs, the harder it is to let go
I thought of Guo Xiang and Yang Guo in "The Condor Heroes".
"The first meeting at Fengling Ferry, when I saw Yang Guo, I was wrong for life."
For Guo Xiang, does she really love Yang Guo in her heart?
Not.
What she loves is the perfect "Condor Man" that she imagined in her heart from beginning to end.
The hero who robbed the rich and helped the poor, slashed demons and expelled demons, became the best white moonlight in her mind.
After this relationship arose, Guo Xiang's life was no longer inseparable from Yang Guo.
The more he gives, the more he misses, the more he searches, and finally Guo Xiang lives in the "emotional dilemma" he set up and is unwilling to come out.
In fact, in intimate relationships, most people's feelings are determined by "input costs determine the duration of the relationship."
The more people invest, the more reluctant they are to separate;
The less invested people are, the more confident they are to discard their feelings.
What men can't forget is not the ex, but the cost invested in the ex;
What women can't forget is not their first love, but their young and beautiful self.
In fact, most people fantasize in their hearts after breaking up:
"What if? What if our frontier continues? What if we meet again? ”
Looking at this, after all, it is just an obsession.
Just like some people drink water, hang out "thanks" and are not willing, they have to see the 4 words "thank you for your patronage" to stop.
What cannot be forgotten may not be love;
What you can't forget is the obsession in your heart.
Today's Topic:
How long have you been separated from your ex?
Forgot?