I often see such a scene in life:
When parents take young children to an unfamiliar environment, children generally prefer to stick to their parents, grabbing their mothers and refusing to let go. At this time, how will parents respond?
Some parents will hold their children patiently, so that after the child feels safe, the child relaxes before encouraging the child to slowly try to explore;
Some parents push their child's hand away when they are clinging to it and crying, saying in their mouths: "Oh, what is there to be afraid of!" You see so many children playing. Don't cry, if you cry again, your mother won't like you! "Why are you so clingy!" You see that other children are not like you, you are not a shame! ”。 But often the child will cry louder.
There are also such scenarios:
The family is not objectively poor, but some parents love to say to their children: "It's too expensive to raise you, we can't afford to raise you soon", "Raise you so big, do you know how much it costs us?" ”
Or something like this:
When the child falls, is frustrated, and is sad, some parents will say to the child coldly: "What is the use of crying!" You should pay more attention next time! "It will hurt, you know cry!" See if you don't pay attention next time! ”
……
These words, parents blurt out these words with the purpose of harming their children, but children who grow up listening to these words are greatly hurt in their hearts.
Obviously, whether the caregiver's mind is full or lacking affects the growth of the child.
So what kind of parenting is scarcity?
Emotionally demanding parents
Bion believes that in the parent-child relationship, the parent should be a container and the child should be an accommodater. For children, there are too many things in the world that he does not yet know, complex and difficult to deal with all kinds of emotions, so containers are needed.
As a container, parents should see their children's anxiety, pain and other emotions, and then show their spiritual strength, set an example for their children, and form emotional attachments in a healthy way to experience.
And in the emotionally demanding parent-child relationship, the child is often the container of the parent; Parents can neither handle their emotions nor accommodate their children's emotions.
There is such a parent-child pair in the TV series "Hidden Corner". After her husband cheated and divorced, Zhou Chunhong raised her son Zhu Chaoyang with hard work, and her life has always been miserable; And the negative man and junior, who should have been spurned, lived a rich and leisurely life.
She is extremely unbalanced in her heart, full of complaints about her ex-husband and her unsatisfactory life. Her only cost to show off is Zhu Chaoyang, an excellent son who has been the first in the exam again and again!
In the relationship between Zhou Chunhong and Zhu Chaoyang, the child is always bearing the uncontrolled negative emotions thrown by his mother: resentment towards her husband and a third party, unwillingness to life, anger and unacceptance of marriage failure, and losing to mistress...
Zhu Chaoyang must have excellent grades and be the first in the exam every time to prove that his mother can live well even if she is divorced with her children, and become the pride of her mother's life. And he can't go against his mother's words, single mothers are so hard, if even the children don't listen to their mother, then the mother's crying for so many years, and the white eyes of others will not be in vain.
Parents can't handle their emotions and can't be a container for their children's emotions. In life, parents are often the most emotional parties. Even some trivial things can cause them to react with great emotions.
For example, Zhu Chaoyang just didn't want to drink milk at the moment, which caused his mother to be angry, and ripped off his son's headphones: "Are you blaming your mother for not taking good care of you?" If your dad had been a responsible man, if he hadn't left us, what happened today wouldn't have happened."
Another example is that after Chaoyang drank milk, Zhou Chunhong wanted to help her son wipe his mouth, and his son avoided it a little, and his mother instantly lost control of her emotions, and stretched out her hands to ravage her son's face with a hideous face.
In the family, they are a bomb that is ready to explode at any time, and the child must carefully take care of their emotions so as not to ignite the "lead".
Parents and children have a role reversal, parents project emotions to children, and children are often unable to accommodate, and even their own containers will be broken, causing great harm to children.
Psychologist Bowlby points out that the "role reversal" between children and parents can be said to be an emotional abuse.
For children who play the role of "parent", the feeling of "parental absence" is cumulative, and its impact is no less than the emotional impact of any actual, acute loss.
Refuse close, indifferent parents
Wordless love is a typical feature of traditional Chinese family culture.
Our parents always like to "give silently" and love our children in a rigid way; There is little expression of love to the child and little physical contact.
They are more like authoritative beings in the family, carrying the identity of "elders", rationally pointing out the fault of the child and contradicting the intimacy between parents and children, and feeling that "intimacy" loses "authority".
Some parents will position themselves as material providers, only provide material upbringing for their children, lack emotional communication with their children, and maintain a sense of distance from their children.
Just like Hong Kong lyricist Wong Wai-man wrote in "Bicycle", parents always assume that their children know that their parents have given a lot for their children, even everything, but "why is it so great, I never feel it", "I think how can I believe this, how much regret but inconvenient to let me know"; And the only hug that the father has ever given his child is "a hug between us on a bicycle."
Children do not feel love in getting along, but only feel the difficulty of approaching parents, the indifference and rejection of parents, and the independability of parents.
In the vast wilderness of life, children cannot find strong and warm shoulders to rely on, and can only face the cold world through the happiness brought by the only hug they once had.
In attachment theory, the way the caregiver interacts with the child shapes the child's attachment pattern and also affects the intimacy of adulthood.
Parental apathy and rejection can trigger threatening responses from the child's attachment system, such as feeling uneasy, negative experiences, and even triggering deep death anxiety.
If you are in such a relationship for a long time, the child's attachment needs cannot be responded to in time, and there is a lack of stable emotional connection, which forms an avoidant attachment style.
When they grow up in an environment of "wordless love," they want to be seen as independent, powerful in the eyes of others, but those around them will say that they are not easily approachable, and some family members and partners will complain that they are too emotionally alienated.
And because he is accustomed to doing his own things and solving his own troubles, it is difficult to ask people for help when encountering difficulties that are difficult to solve, and when he feels helpless and powerless, he will only condemn himself fiercely and self-loathing.
When you grow up, you are accustomed to minimizing the need for attachment in relationships and avoiding the closeness of others, which affects the establishment of deep emotional connections and the maintenance of stable and long-term intimacy.
Epilogue:
Whether it is an emotionally demanding parent or an indifferent parent, love cannot flow naturally in an intimate relationship, which is ultimately an intimate relationship disorder that will cause deep and long-lasting harm to both parties.
Both partners need to see their wounds again, heal themselves, and finally repair themselves in a stable and healthy relationship. Nurturers can truly fill their minds, and nurturers can rebuild their relationship patterns and have new experiences.
▎This article is the original article of the center, please indicate the source when reprinting, and the company reserves the right to pursue users without permission.