A few days ago, I wrote a text with 4-year-old twins jumping rope, and some readers left a message saying: 4-year-old jump rope is too early, and it is not good for bone development.
I explained: The kindergartens in the city have begun to practice skipping rope, and we are also difficult to ride the tiger, and we dare not drag the class back.
In fact, I have always accepted the normal suggestions and suggestions with an open attitude.
But one reader's attitude is not very friendly, to the effect that the baby should use some brains, yell at the 4-year-old child in order to jump rope, and wait for the pipe to be extubated.
Originally, I could have ignored or blocked it, but I didn't control it, but I still replied to the reader: "Some children are good to bring, and some children are not good to bring." I was gentle with my children or all of us, and I was gentle with each other, sensible, and affectionate. (The implication is: if the child can listen to the advice, naturally no one wants to yell at the child.) ）
Of course, this reader still did not understand my words, and I think that parents who have "children who bring TA are difficult to bring" at home will be able to understand my feelings.
It's really not that we are strong, it's not that we don't have gentleness and don't go with the flow and there is no use, it's that some children are just too difficult to take!
1
Three types of children, my twins smoked two types of blind boxes
In the American Academy of Pediatrics Psychological Parenting Encyclopedia, children are divided into three categories according to the nine temperament characteristics of activity level, rhythm, adaptability, avoidance, reaction intensity, emotional state, attention persistence, anti-interference, and response threshold: easy children, slow heat or shy children, and difficult children.
About 40% of children belong to the first category of easy children to get along with, and they can treat everything around them with a relaxed attitude. They are emotionally positive, can quickly adapt to new environments, new faces, and can be relatively relaxed in the face of difficult situations.
The second type of slow-burning or shy children have mild tension in their emotions and usually show a lack of enthusiasm. It takes them time to adapt to their new environment. In the new environment, such children may be prone to nervousness, physical discomfort, or separation anxiety. But as children become more familiar with people and the environment, they can adapt better.
My brother belongs to the first category, and when the kindergarten is small, there is a slight process of adapting to the new environment, but it basically belongs to the "good child".
The third category of difficult children responds to the world around them with negative and intense emotions.
In infancy, they may cry;
In early childhood (1-3 years) and preschool (3-5 years), they are prone to tantrums;
After entering the school age, they will often lose their temper, stubborn and easily emotional.
Teachers may also complain to their parents frequently about their behavior problems, often stressing their families.
A child with strong emotions, poor adaptability and stubbornness makes parents feel challenged.
My brother belongs to the third category of difficult children.
Parenting books such as the American Academy of Pediatrics Parenting Encyclopedia also roughly classify children into three categories, which are basically similar to the above classification results: who brings children who are good to bring, children who can be well brought by some methods, and children who are not good at carrying children.
How bad can that child be, how bad it is to carry, I will give the example of my brother, you can understand.
2
Mom: I thought your behavior this time would be extreme, who knew that you would continue to challenge the limits of my patience
The brother was weaned at 1 year and 2 months, howling for a full 4 hours, without breathing, the whole family 3 adults took turns to hug and did not get it done, beating up and crying and twitching all over the body. Finally I held it for 4 nights before I changed to soft sobbing.
I learned to walk at 1 year and 3 months, but I was willing to move every time I arrived at the place of play, and the distance from home to the place of play was resolutely not to take a step.
At the age of 2, he was sick and vomited dirty, but he resolutely refused to take off the clothes he liked; he was persuaded to take off this dirty clothes, and he was determined not to wear clothes that he thought were ugly.
At the age of 3 and a half, I cried in kindergarten for a whole afternoon, and the whole class of teachers and classmates did not stop. Until it was almost out of school, I finally stopped crying, because I had a cleanliness fetish, I didn't want to defecate in kindergarten, and I knew that I could go home after school to defecate.
At the age of 4, his mantra was "Mom, you wait for me to put this car together!" Mom, you wait for me to play for another 2 minutes! ”
……
I knew that this would not be the extreme of my brother's behavior, and he would continue to challenge the limits of our family's patience.
You might say, isn't that the right thing to do?
Let me give you an example of his walking at 1 year and 3 months.
My brother's personality is that he likes to see a lot of children and may participate in them; but more often than not, he will be happy to see a lot of children together, he is just playing with himself next to himself.
So after the two brothers were able to walk, my husband and I would take our children to the community court every day after work. There are a lot of people walking after dinner and playing there with their children.
My brother is very happy to go, but you have to carry me to the stadium, and when you get to the stadium, he can run away.
At first, I thought my brother was not walking very well, so I didn't want to walk over, but after a few hugs to the court, I ran all over the field, and I knew that the child was lazy.
We have used the food seduction method: his favorite fruit as a temptation, a few steps to eat a bite, ineffective.
I have gently encouraged: you stand still, your brother is so far in front, and my brother has been playing for a long time! Other children's toys may be taken away! void.
The child's father was tough and stubborn to the end: standing still, the brother did not go, the father resolutely did not hug; the upgraded version, I took my brother to play, the father hid in the place where the brother could not see, in a dark road without street lights, the brother recorded the longest record of standing for 30 minutes, not crying, not moving, not looking for someone. (In fact, my brother is still very afraid of the dark, even if he is more than 4 years old now, he is afraid, I don't know why he was able to not be afraid and not look for us at that time.) ）
Such a "dead bump", the child's father carried out for 3 consecutive days. In addition to the mosquitoes that we had been feeding for a long time when we secretly observed, there was once an old grandmother who saw her brother standing there alone, anxiously looking for parents everywhere, and finally criticized us as parents, and nothing else.
Similarly, on the way home from the stadium, my brother also asked to carry it home, and he would never take a step.
So we were very happy to see my brother happily walking to the court and playing with the children.
But seeing my brother running on the pitch and exchanging toys with other children, we hated it with our teeth.
The basic method, the radical method, in dealing with my brother's emotional problems and behavioral problems, we explored countless times, and then lost countless times. Now the rest of the family is giving up on managing my brother, basically I am on, the child's father will criticize a few words when he can't stand it, I will usually stop him from doing a little, because I know that he is heavier than me!
When I was 2 years old, my brother once cried a lot about small things before lunch, and I took me out to see the scenery 3 times and distracted, but after each time I came home, after a while, he would remember that incident and start crying sadly. It took a total of 1.5 hours and I and his meals were cold. Finally I raised my voice and told him: You can't cry anymore, or your mother will do it. Then he stopped crying and began to eat obediently by himself.
Since then, I've learned that some parenting books may have been written by people who haven't had babies, or people who haven't had "difficult" children. So when I'm in a good mood, I'll talk well twice or three times at a time; when I'm in a bad mood, I'll criticize and warn me severely.
Pregnant until the child is 5 years old, it is still recommended to recommend a parenting tool book, the American Academy of Pediatrics Parenting Encyclopedia (7th Edition). The book comprehensively covers the preparation for childbirth, the feeding of children of different months, and the development of all aspects of the book, and the book also objectively describes the various situations that newborn parents may encounter, and also gives corresponding solutions, which is worth reading!
3
"Difficult" children: Parents please learn to let go of their children and let themselves go
First, we should not label children casually as "bad boys" and "difficult to get along with.".
Even though we all know it's a tough kid, don't make your kids feel unwelcome.
Once the label is attached, it is difficult to tear off, the child will form a negative self-impression, you will have more difficulty in helping the child learn to cope with the dilemma, and it is more likely to cause emotional conflict.
Second, we need to understand that children's behavior is somehow innate.
Maybe baby doesn't want to you, he just won't be able to express it correctly. For example, some children want to join a team of ways, may be to destroy their hard-earned building blocks, and finally of course not only can not join, but also let everyone hate Ta.
If we can understand that children are sometimes not completely under their control, and can be more patient, children will naturally slowly eliminate the tension and anxiety about their surroundings.
After parents correctly understand India and help their children adjust their behavior, they may continue to increase their self-confidence after going to school, and they will become less difficult to get along with. And his strong emotional characteristics will gradually become his charm, making him enthusiastic, determined and self-motivated.
Third, if the child does not meet the expectations of the parents, must we meet the expectations of the children? Learn to accept children.
My parents and I began to be particularly receptive to my brother's "rebellion" because I had been a submissive, self-disciplined, caring child who didn't have much to worry about since I was a child. All the behaviors of the brother, on the contrary, we know that children also have this category, and there is also such a bad category.
I began to re-examine my expectations of my children, thinking about whether my ideas were realistic and appropriate for the age of the children. Try to praise behavior when your child is doing well, and use positive motivation to reinforce the behavior of recognition.
I also try to adjust myself, and it may be difficult for the child to adapt to my temperament and accept my behavior.
When getting along with children, try to create an objective and rational emotional atmosphere. Parents' attitudes and behaviors profoundly affect the way children handle things and express emotions.
Most importantly, I would leave the child briefly before the critical emotional flashpoint, possibly going to another room, which also gave each other a chance to breathe and relax.
The inspiration of this text is the reader's message, and the second is to read the "American Academy of Pediatrics Psychological Education Encyclopedia", which mainly talks about the psychological parenting of children aged 6-12: personality formation, social ability cultivation, discipline methods, various coping methods such as confrontation, tantrums, lying, cheating, running away from home and other issues, children's adolescent physical changes, family education and school learning and other psychological problems.
This book can still help and inspire the families of children who are about to turn 6 and are in the primary school stage!
epilogue
These two days I was in the single loop "We Didn't Beat Me in Three Days", a little girl sang, the lyrics are particularly like my brother: "Temper has always been so stubborn".
Yes, my brother has been a demon these two days, so I heard this song and was scared, which is also self-entertainment and self-decompression.
There are always some children who are particularly difficult to engage, and as parents, we really have to learn to let go of children and let go of ourselves.
Children are also trying to adjust themselves slowly, and we must also try to adjust our state and behavior to better adapt to getting along with children.
bibliography:
(1) The Complete Book of Psychological Parenting of the American Academy of Pediatrics, 6-12 years old, (USA) Shirley Vachiri Frese (editor-in-chief), Liu Xinyi (translation) Beijing Science and Technology Press
(Some of the pictures are from the Internet, the copyright belongs to the original author)