Usually, we think of "honest people" as being able to endure hardships, have a good heart, and have a good character. So we often use "honesty" to praise others and praise children.
But is it really good to have your child become an "honest person"?
A few days ago, my mother's friend Aunt Chen sighed for her son's "honesty". Aunt Chen's son is the "honest" child in everyone's mouth, can bear hardships, is not afraid of tiredness, usually works hard, and is recognized as capable, but for several consecutive years, there is neither promotion nor salary increase, and the outstanding employees are not him every year. Some time ago, the company laid off employees, and he was actually on the layoff list. Colleagues and friends all complained about him, suggested that he go to seek justice, apply for arbitration, did not expect that the child himself confessed, packed up his things and left.
Aunt Chen said that her son was not good at socializing, nor did he have friends, and others saw that he had a good temper, was good at talking, and did all the tiring work for him, and as a result, when he worked, he was there, and when he was rewarded for merit, he did not see the shadow. In the past, I thought that it was a good thing for children to be honest, but now I look too "honest" is a nest bag, an air bag.
Not only are adult "honest people" too embarrassed, but children who are too "honest" always suffer losses in life.
Joe's mother told me that Joe was always "bullied" because he was too honest. Every time I play games with my friends, everyone let him play the least favorite role and the least favorite toys to play with him. At school, there are classmates who look for Jojo to help with the day. Although Jojo was very reluctant in his heart, he never refused or resisted.
Qiao Qiao's mother said depressedly, "I really hate iron is not steel, how did I give birth to such an honest baby." ”
Why are honest kids always being "bullied"? Children are too honest, will they really always suffer losses in society?
Children who are too honest are always suffering from internal injuries
Once watched such a news, on the Nanjing subway, a middle-aged man gave up his seat to the old man and began to question a seventeen-year-old boy next to him, why he did not give up his seat. Then the man slammed himself into the boy's chest.
In the face of sudden accusations and violence, the boy scolded and did not return the mouth, did not fight back, did not ask for help, just obediently sat there! The people around him couldn't bear to look at the boy and stood up for the boy, and the man saw that he had caused public anger, so he had to bow his head and apologize to the boy who was kicked.
Being bullied to the head, do not know how to fight back, just silently endure, this child's fault is too honest, if you are the child's family, can you still sit still?
Docile personality, no dispute, very Buddhist, honest people really like this?
They are very timid and fragile inside, a little powerful force can make them tremble with fear, in the face of external pressure, they dare not resist, do not dare to refuse. Many people have just looked at this trait of an honest person and turned him into an object of exploitation and deception.
"Honest" children always think that they are not worthy and unworthy, so they never dare to fight for themselves, even if they are treated unfairly, they think it is normal, and all grievances are silently endured. So they are often thrown into the pot, ignored, and never seen by others.
"Honest" children, never dare to take the initiative to socialize, among friends, their most common role is the "trash can", always accept other people's complaints, never willing to say their true thoughts, all negative emotions are slowly internalized, living tired and lonely.
Behind the meekness is obedience, behind the indisputable is timidity and inferiority, honest children look at the Buddhist system, in fact, more tired than anyone, more aggrieved than anyone.
Why children become "air bags" when they grow up, children's personality is inseparable from the influence of the family. All children with honest personalities come from several families.
1, parents are too honest
Parents' values influence their children's values.
Parents are honest people, do not argue, do not grab, and go against the grain. Growing up in such a family environment, children are accustomed to their parents' style of dealing with people, and slowly become a copy of their parents!
2, parents are too authoritarian
The high-pressure education of parents, the children who are educated, often have introverted personalities, timidity and inferiority, and a very low sense of self-identity.
Parents set too many growth rules for their children, and children are restricted from growing up and never dare to do things that are qualified;
Parents say one thing to their children, children are accustomed to listening to the opinions of others, never know how to say no, and have no own opinions;
Parents have strict control over their children, resulting in children unable to get rid of the growth of their parents, easy to self-enclose, and social skills are very lacking.
The strict discipline of parents to their children destroys the creativity, imagination and thinking power of children, and they are accustomed to the wisdom of their parents.
Eventually, they got used to being led by others, and following the rules and going against the grain had become an indelible part of their personality, and they finally became "honest people".
We have to admit that in modern society, honest people are not popular at all. And those who dare to express themselves, full of unlimited creativity, have opinions and personalities, are often more likely to be seen, and have more opportunities for development.
Therefore, do not raise the child to be "too honest", we must cultivate the child's personality from an early age to be generous, free, and have a sharp side.
1, to give children the space to grow freely
Psychologist Wu Zhihong mentioned in the book "Why Home Hurts": The duty of parents is to provide a safe environment for their children with love, but as for how to explore the world, it is the freedom of children.
Do not control the child too strictly, do not give the child a command of everything, and give the child the space to grow freely within a certain principle and bottom line.
Parents leave blank in the growth of their children, children have the opportunity to think, ponder, have the opportunity to find their own interests, develop their own personality.
2. Cultivate children's opinions
If your child asks his parents about whatever he does, you need to be vigilant!
This shows that in his heart, he thinks that everything he does is wrong, and they have lost their basic judgment and decision-making power. When you grow up, it's easy to follow the crowd and go with the flow.
Parents must pay attention to the child's opinions, in life, no matter the big things and small feelings, we must ask more about the child's opinion, brush the child's sense of existence, brush self-confidence.
When the child realizes that he is valued by others as an independent person, he can be more assertive and more confident.
3. Allow the child to say no
The Japanese writer Osamu Dazai has such a passage in the novel "Human Disqualification", which vividly depicts the psychology of the old good man: "My misfortune lies precisely in my lack of ability to refuse, and I am afraid that once I reject others, I will leave a rift in each other's hearts that can never be healed." ”
A child who does not know how to refuse will only become a "soft persimmon" pinched by everyone in the future!
Parents must allow their children to say no and guide their children to learn to say no.
At the same time, parents should pay attention to the fact that when the child says no to himself, even if it is incorrect, do not immediately deny it, but first affirm the courage of the child to put forward opinions, and then use a peaceful tone to help the child analyze the truth, so that the child accepts your suggestion convincingly.
4. Help children set their own principles and bottom lines
A man without principles and bottom lines, anyone can ride on his neck.
Children are still young, and their understanding and grasp of principles and bottom lines are not accurate. Parents should help their children set their own principles and bottom lines.
For example, I can help a friend, but I am determined not to help what kind of help, and I must know in my heart.
Therefore, in addition to learning, parents must carry out comprehensive education in many aspects such as children's morality and character, so that children understand what is resolute and insurmountable.
We can be kind, but we must have our own sharp edge;
We can compromise, but we must protect our rights and interests;
We can be sensible, but in the face of the wicked, we must learn to show our fangs;
Don't raise your child too honestly, at the right time, being able to protect yourself just right is the skill that children should have!