As we all know, I am a very cowardly person.
I've been bullied since I stepped into society. I don't mean stepping into society after graduation, but the moment I walked into the campus, when I was seven years old.
For most people, the campus should be a place to study, right? For me not, school is a test of survival for me. In this building with hundreds of people, I need to learn to recognize everyone's face, it is not enough to know, I also have to learn how to deal with it.
Others know at a glance that I am a good bully, but I have to spend a lot of effort guessing what kind of person the other person is. To me, it's really unfair.
It was in this environment that at the age of seven, I already had a deep understanding of the word "society". Everyone has their own purpose, whether fierce or kind, which is a disguise for the purpose of the moment. It's not hard to find this, as I said, everyone knows that I am a coward, weak enough that they don't need them to disguise. Because of this, I can see many faces of each person. I think it's also a kind of luck.
But it is useless to see clearly. I'm still being bullied. It's like the eyes can see the bullets coming at you, but the body doesn't have the ability to dodge.
The cost of bullying me is too low.
First of all, I don't have the ability to resist, I am always weaker than others, even if at some stage I find myself as if I am stronger, but just when I want to resist, I find that others are much stronger than me.
Secondly, I don't have any help that I can get. My parents never bothered me, in fact, it was very difficult to talk to them. I had to find out which chess and card room they were in, which table they were in, and I had to think about the timing, play properly, or lose completely, and it was not suitable to talk to them. Only when you have just won a handful, the money is clear, and you are smiling and preparing for the next round, can you make some requests to him or her.
"Mom, I'm a little hungry."
"Go to the boss and get your own box of instant noodles."
Conversations like these are good, after all, most of the time all I can hear is words like "roll," "look for your dad," and "find your mom."
I'm not sad about my life. Maybe I was sad before, but at least not now. Today I don't care about anyone or anything. Whether it's work or emotionally.
That's right, even with such a coward, I still had a job and a boyfriend who wasn't too in love. Work is a job that no resume needs to provide, and the boyfriend is the boyfriend who has no choice but to say he likes my boyfriend.
He was my secondary school tablemate and looked like a newborn baboon. Of course, I've always been called goldfish by others.
I know he doesn't like me, who would like a girl who looks like a goldfish? I've seen him pursue other girls at school countless times, write love letters, and give gifts. But who would like a boy who looks like a baboon?
He sent me a text message before graduation, which said, "The crowd looked for him for a thousand degrees, and suddenly looked back, but the man was in the middle of the light", and how he loved me.
I promised him. It's not that I believe in Him or how lonely I am. It's just that rejection is hard for me. For someone like me, rejecting someone else either makes the other person sad or invites revenge on yourself. The other person's sadness basically stems from the mentality of "even she will reject me".
I have personally heard someone say such a thing, and I have forgotten what it was, what the reason, is that I always remember this sentence. I guess there's no reason for someone like me to reject others.
So I had a boyfriend, and two people who didn't have much to do with human looks walked together. We had been in bed for a few days together, and I could tell that he had come for it. Even when he proposed not to use contraception, I did not refuse, and I laughed at myself in my heart, with the looks of both of us, the lack of reproductive isolation is a miracle of the biological world.
Days of being in love – Simply saying that the days of sex make me feel the only feeling of boredom. I always cope with this, sometimes too lazy to even take off my shirt. His interest always comes and goes. Fortunately, the cost of the opening is all paid by him, and it is a pleasure to do things simply and quickly, and I can also lie on the soft bed and play with my mobile phone for a while.
On my twenty-third birthday, I realized that our lives like this had lasted for five full years. That was the first time I made a request to him – to buy me a birthday present. When WeChat was sent out, even I was surprised, as if this practice was taken for granted, but a voice in the depths of my sanity was telling me that I did not deserve it.
But the message was sent anyway, and it took two full hours for him to reply to me with a "roll" word.
I've lived carefully enough, but the word "roll" seems to stick to me, my boss says the most to me is "roll", colleagues say the most to me is "roll", my baboon boyfriend said to me the most is "roll".
Usually I shouldn't have cared much, after all, I hadn't cared about it for too long, so long that I had forgotten how to care about something. But that day I seemed to grow a gut out of thin air and quickly replied to him:
"Then don't come back today."
But sending this message didn't give me any pleasure of emotional venting, and I was in infinite fear all afternoon. I was afraid he would hit me when he came back, afraid that he would kick me away when he came back.
I really don't know why at that moment, but I was living in his rental house and would ask him not to come back. If he asked me to leave, I wouldn't even have the money to stay in the hotel. My work income is not qualified to survive in this city at all, and my family has long since left me.
And I actually have requirements for others because of long-term comfort. I wanted to resend a text message to apologize to him, but I didn't know how to say it.
It's too bad the skills I've always relied on to survive —guarding, compromising, apologizing— that I've unconsciously forgotten. These most important things to me have been abandoned by me unconsciously.
I think he should be back, after all this is his home, not mine. The question was how I would face him when he came back. Hopefully he'll slap me up, slap me a few times, and kick me a few more times. Physical pain is no stranger to me, and I've been used to it for more than a decade in school. If that saves the day, it's easy.
But what if he doesn't hit me? He has become less and less dependent on me, and to put it bluntly, he has become less and less concerned about whether he wants to do that file with me or not. I knew he had spent money looking for someone outside, something I had seen with my own eyes, and he had been wandering outside a red glass door for a long time, and the woman in the black suspender inside kept waving at him. In the end, he still went in with the cat waist, and soon walked out with his pants belt again. I've seen it many times since, but my role has changed from tracking to waiting. Every time I waited for him to appear, I had a feeling of victory, and I guessed correctly, silently laughing at him in my heart. He laughed at the way he cowered and cowered every time, and hurried out again.
But now, I can't laugh when I think of these scenes, even the one in my heart. If he is used to this kind of life, what else is left for me? Probably to save money? But if his income grows and there is no financial pressure on him to prostitute, do I have any advantage over the women with straps behind the glass doors? After all, his income is indeed increasing, and I will never be able to compare with the women in the suspenders.
I became more and more frightened, my whole body curled up in my seat, and the computer screen was still stuck in the blank report that had been opened hours earlier. Whether it's a report or a boyfriend, I can't think of any solution. The boss gave me an example at a meeting in the morning, and his words were full of disgust. If I don't get my job done and my boyfriend chases me away, I'll be living on the streets.
I really envy the women behind the glass door, who have a job and can also harvest my boyfriend. I'm a real waste compared to them, and the suspenders they wear on me will probably not arouse any interest in men, I'm afraid it will only make me sicker.
But... I'm really going crazy! I'd like to try it anyway, just in case — I guess what if something works? Although my face looked like a goldfish, my figure was still emaciated, although there was no extra point where there should be meat, but I usually covered it with loose clothes. If I could put on those suspenders, maybe, even the slightest possibility, would be good to make my boyfriend's anger a little less.
I calmed down and planned to finish my work quickly, and after work, I went to the nearest mall to pick one out. But the computer screen made my eyes more and more dazzling, and I was full of sling women, and I repeatedly observed them in my mind, observing the styles and details of their styles.
Unable to wait, I left my seat and rushed out of the company gate to go home, the place I still call home. I didn't get to the mall because I thought about it for a long time, and I certainly couldn't afford to spend the clothes behind the window. I just went to the 24-hour adult product store downstairs, and the items behind the door were marked with real prices. I chose the cheapest set. The few strands of fabric I had pinched in my hand were already more expensive than all the fabric I was wearing.
I stayed at home and changed into a dress that was not designed for the wearer from the beginning. The dampness and cool breeze made me shiver, I hid in the bed, repeatedly praying that the anger when my boyfriend came back would be reduced, I knew that the way I looked did not bring him any pleasure, I just wanted him to know that I had paid for it, I just hoped that my efforts would be rewarded with a little.
But I waited late at night and my boyfriend didn't come back. It wasn't until two weeks later that my cat told me that it was not far from the river and found my boyfriend's body.
(ii)
My cat is called Lantern. It was a very ordinary white garden cat, eyes as big as mine, but my eyes made me look like goldfish, and its eyes made it look very cute.
The Lantern can speak, but it is not a human word, and the "whining" it can make is still a normal cat's voice. It's just that I can hear it, like a linguistic intuition, and I can understand with certainty and clarity what it's saying.
It came to me not long after my parents left. At that time, I was in a state of extreme depression, covering myself in a quilt all day, and even if the air was so thin that I would feel dizzy without breathing once, I was reluctant to remove the quilt from my face.
It wasn't until the Lantern jumped on my face that I subconsciously pushed the quilt away. I thought my parents had returned, but in front of me was this little white cat.
Lantern said to me, "Hello. ”
That day I repeatedly confirmed to it whether it was talking to me or if it was speaking human language.
Of course, I later learned that it was just an ordinary cat, and the only thing that had some characteristics was that its white hair was dyed a strange gray by the mud. As for its ability to speak, I was not too surprised later, after all, it can only make a "whining" sound forever, and I am the only one who can understand it. It is not so much that it has special abilities, but that I have special abilities, and that I can understand what it says, and that to others, it is just a very ordinary cat.
It is said that I have a cat, but the Lantern does not live at home permanently, and it only comes back once every two days, sometimes until three or four days.
I would always have enough cat food ready for it on the balcony and put it in a small stainless steel bowl. But when he finally returned, he would only order me to change it to a new bowl, complaining that the cat food in the bowl was wet or dirty. My boyfriend often said that it was better to wait for it to come back and feed it, but I was worried that if he was hungry enough not to have food in the first place, it would not be good for his thin body.
I also like the Lantern because it's happy to talk to me, although it's not very long at home, spending most of its time hanging out with other female cats on a nearby rooftop. But every time I come back, it brings me something that it's seen lately.
Some are more boring, such as where the male cat was forcibly neutered, where the female cat was pregnant with the children of which cats. But some of them are something I love to hear, and it helps me see what my parents are doing, what my boss is doing, what my colleagues are doing. The boyfriend went to find the sling girls behind the glass doors, and it was the first time it told me.
It's not what I'm asking it to do, but it seems to be trying to find some common topic for us, and in addition to its busy mating activities, it will always cross countless roofs and countless streets to bring me this information.
The Lantern was like another pair of eyes I had, surveying everything I wanted to know for me, so that I was prepared enough to deal with what I would have to face next. I think the Lantern Festival is a gift from Heaven, the best gift for a cowardly person like me.
But it's been coming back less and less often recently, especially after I did something wrong on my birthday and my boyfriend didn't come back, and I'm more desperate to get it back sooner, and I think it probably knows where my boyfriend went, what it should know, and there doesn't seem to be anything in the city that it doesn't know.
I needed it to give me some information because I was really broken during this time. I didn't go to the company, because I didn't know how to face the boss, and I remembered that the unfinished report must still be on the computer screen! Every time the boss passed by, he would hate me when he saw empty seats and blank reports, and he would constantly humiliate me at the morning meeting.
But I couldn't go to work, and I didn't know when my boyfriend would be back. I never dared to message him again, but he never looked for me either. The longer it dragged on, the more frightened I became. Would he have abandoned me outright like my parents had left me with an empty home?
Every day I regret it, I really shouldn't have done that. Obviously my life is good enough, why would I want to destroy him in an impulse?
But fortunately, the Lantern returned two weeks after disappearing. It's just that it brought me this bad news. The boyfriend's body was by the river not far from home.
I asked the Lantern repeatedly, "Is it a corpse, that is, he is already dead?" ”
"It's corpses, corpses, bodies. I've repeated this many times. ”
"I didn't speak again, I didn't move again."
"In fact, it stinks, it's the smell of death, the smell of decay."
I'm going to go to the river with the Lantern to see. When I opened the door, I was ashamed to notice that I was still wearing the erotic underwear I bought from the 24-hour sex store. I quickly changed my clothes and put on my mask and hat.
The Lantern said that the river not far away is actually the small river downstairs. But when we got to the river, there was nothing.
I squatted down and asked the Lantern who was licking his cat hair: "You said it was by the river, but there was nothing by the river." ”
"Maybe it was thrown into the river." Lantern "snorted" and said.
I checked every detail of the grass, but saw only weeds that no one had repaired and that no one had cleaned. I looked down and sniffed hard, and it was just the smell of river water and.
"Nothing, Lantern." I asked.
"If not, you don't really want to see him anyway." The Lantern stared into my eyes and came back to me.
Yeah, why do I care so much that he doesn't come back? If he could never come back, I would have occupied the room all the time. Although it is only a small rental house, there are cockroaches that can never be eliminated. But I can have a bed alone, and I don't have to face his baboon-like face anymore.
Yeah, he's just a baboon, and I've forgotten for too long that he's a baboon. He's a primitive, disgusting creature that only knows how to vent, and I'm still worried about whether he'll be able to come back.
I'm so happy that if he never comes back like this, I'll never have to fear anything, compromise anything.
I quickly returned home, and the first thing to do was to burn the shameful erotic underwear. Dirty and disgusting stuff, I'm going to say goodbye to these things once and for all. I threw my clothes into the bathtub and lit them with the lighter he had left behind. The flames burned and extinguished, and I lit again, and burned and extinguished. But after a few times, the clothes became a small pile of black charcoal, and it was completely impossible to see what it had existed before.
I was free, completely free. I had this feeling before, and when my parents left, I didn't have to please them anymore and pray for them. Because they are no longer there, I can enjoy everything without worrying about who takes it, and I don't have to spend any effort trying to get the slightest mercy.
The rest of the day was happy, even the Lantern Festival was no longer out of the house, and I was always at home with me. We bought a lot of wine, a lot of cigarettes, a lot of snacks. We were celebrating non-stop, dancing non-stop after the celebration. The Lantern dance steps are simple and funny, always making me laugh, and it can only scold me like a goldfish.
"You know what? I don't care. I laughed back at it.
Maybe we were too arrogant and the people downstairs came looking for us.
(iii)
I live downstairs with a woman who lives alone.
I knew her all too well, after all, I had a Lantern that was constantly spying on her. She works in an office building in the park, and on the way to work, she takes half an hour's subway and fifteen minutes by bus. She was beautiful, enviablely pretty, and her beauty was different from those suspender women behind the glass doors, she didn't need any decoration, just a simple ponytail, revealing all her forehead, the kind of beauty that could be amazing.
She was a person as boring as I was, going to work on time and leaving work on time, just looking at her phone at home. She could look at her phone for a long time, and from six o'clock to home until she saw the early hours of the morning, she was reluctant to go to bed.
I was curious about what she could see, but unfortunately Lantern didn't know either. It can only look at her from the opposite floor, but it cannot be seen too closely with its eyesight.
"Maybe it's talking to a friend." Lantern said.
"What kind of friend can talk for so long?" I asked
"Maybe there are many, many friends, so after talking about one, you can talk about the next one, and after talking about the next one, you can talk about the next one."
I am so envious that there are infinite friends to offer her entertainment. Even though she lives alone, she has a much more interesting life than I am. Although accompanied by the Lantern, it is just an ordinary cat. If there is another Lantern, or tangyuan, dumplings, wontons... I should be able to always have a smile on her face like her.
Her visit surprised me. As far as I know, or as far as I know, or as far as I know, she is not a person who is good at actively communicating with others, she is alone at any time, and she does not know what is going on when she comes at this time.
"Hello?" She opened her mouth first, dressed in a brown nightgown with two cute bear ears on her hat.
"Hmm... Hello. ”
"I would like to tell you that you have been cooking lately, chopping vegetables and the sound of water flowing somewhat, and I hope ... Well... You can pay a little attention to it. ”
She hung up a fake smile, and this smile is familiar to me, because I would put on this smile to myself. Obviously, she is just like me and Lantern thought, a person who is not very good at communicating with people. Because of this, she can have unlimited friends in her mobile phone.
"I'm really sorry, I didn't pay too much attention to these things some time ago, and I will pay attention to them in the future." I replied to her with the same smile.
She thanked me again and again, and then said, "Also, I smelled some burnt the other day, I don't know if it's your side, but in any case, you still need to pay attention." ”
"Hmm... Maybe it was smoke, and I smoked a lot of cigarettes. ”
"It's a little bit like, it's like the smell of something burning, but I don't really know where it's coming from."
"Mm-hmm... I'll pay attention next. ”
She thanked me again and helped me close the door and leave.
It's a shame I've only been happy for a few days to encounter something like this. But it is also true that I did not pay much attention to the sound problem.
"You say she'll blame me, to be honest, I don't want to be hated by her." I asked about the Lantern.
"I don't think so, it looks like she's quite polite." Lantern replied to me.
"I don't know if she just looked inside... It was unlucky that our kitchen was right next to the door, but there was nothing on it. ”
The Lantern rolled his eyes at me, an action that was still relatively rare for a cat, but it still listened to me, climbed to the balcony, jumped and ran away.
I think it should be fine, after all, looking at her is just a little noisy. Unfortunately, the rest of the day will not be able to continue to be happy.
If it really doesn't work, she can only let her move away. But I really like the way she looks, the beauty and confidence from the inside out, and I can be happy to see her, happy from the heart.
However, I really enjoyed the days of dancing in the room, really enjoyed, really really enjoyed. I'm really sorry, my parents, my boyfriend, and this pretty girl downstairs.