Text | Rice grain mom
After dinner, he walked downstairs with grains of rice to eat, jumping up and down like a monkey, always "inquiring about the enemy" not far in front of me.
Occasionally met the little girl from the neighbor's house, obediently holding her mother's hand, walking in the moonlight while whispering and chatting, so that the winter moon became warm.
The rice grain mother said hello to the mother and daughter, exchanged a few words of greeting, and the afterglow swept to the rice grain in front of the exploration, he had stopped the pace of progress, and even took a few steps back.
Seeing that I had finished the greeting, the grain of rice ran upside down to me, rolled her eyes and muttered, "Mom, am I your own son?" You talk so softly to other people's children, and you talk to me fiercely."
In the moonlight I fell into contemplation, was my discrimination really so obvious?
The rice grain mother remembered an interesting phenomenon mentioned by a zhihu big V: many people will have three modes of speech, corresponding to other people's children, their own children and normal speech.
In these three modes, talking to your own children is the most rude and the most difficult to hear.
Let's take, for example, the children played together, played and fought, and both children cried.
For other people's children, parents will patiently and lovingly ask, "Why are you crying, where does it hurt?" “
For their own children, they may have a somber face, "How old is it to cry like this, as for?" “
Normal speech is the middle of the two language styles of "gentleness" and "fierceness".
I thought about what the grain of rice was saying to me, as if it were really the case.
There is a particularly patient teacher in the rice grain kindergarten, and the children like her very much, and the rice grain is often mentioned until now.
This teacher once said, "Coax the children in the kindergarten to take a nap and be patient no matter how difficult it is." But when it comes to coaxing your own children, the patience will be gone after more than five minutes."
In the eyes of outsiders, he is amiable, but he can poke his heart when he speaks to his children. Mi Grain's mother was recently chasing "Xiao Min's Family", and seeing Xiao Min arguing with her mother, it was simply depressed to the point of explosion.
At first, Xiao Min and her mother were still in the room. Mom suddenly mentioned Xiaomin's ex-husband and said that he was quite pitiful now.
As soon as Xiao Min heard about her ex-husband, she was angry, and this drunken and wasteful man added a lot of hardships to her life.
Xiao Min asked her mother, "What does his pity have to do with us?"
Mom had a feeling of being poked in the eye, and then asked, "You think I want to mention him, that's your ex-husband." “
Xiao Min remembered the last tragic marriage, the mood can not be strained, when the ex-husband was drunk and drunk, she wanted to divorce her mother refused, and hid the marriage certificate household registration book.
The mother also felt that it was a loss and began to take the bitter love route, "When you divorced and left the child in your hometown, I brought you the child, and now the benefits are not mine, and the bad things depend on me, and I owe you." ”
Mother and daughter, who were originally the closest, after experiencing the beatings of life, should hug each other for warmth, but who expected to attack each other with hurtful words.
Many people have a common encouragement for this picture, saying that it is "real suffocating despair".
When we talk to others, we think about organizing language before and after thinking, hoping that communication will be smooth and smooth. When talking to family members and children, they often blurt out words that can never be spoken to outsiders.
Rice mother has seen a hot question, what is the most mentally devastating sentence you can think of for children?
There are more than three thousand answers to this question, and most of the most devastating words are from parents.
If you don't obey, I don't have to live anymore. Do you still draw? Hahahaha your mother is gone, don't want you anymore. Forget it, just do it, I can't control you...
Why are parents who talk to others and are so mean to their children?
Migrain's mother used to have a colleague who had two children, the eldest being a daughter and the second being a son.
He said that he was satisfied with whatever his daughter asked, and as soon as his son spoke, he was angry, either yelling or yelling.
I once heard him call home, and when my daughter answered the phone, he was full of smiles and interpreted the words "loving father" with full body movements.
But if it was his son who answered the phone, he exuded a cold aura of "no one else should enter", his tone was stiff, and there was no smile on his face.
Why is he so angry with his son?
He said, "I don't like my father, and he will criticize me." As soon as I saw my son, I felt that I didn't like my father, and my son wouldn't like me when he grew up."
Just by his own conjecture, he put his son on his own opposite, which is to set a position first.
The rice grain mother remembered a clip in a variety show, which was a model that many people regarded as a parenting model and a strict godson, but the rice grain mother looked a little uncomfortable.
In the show, the little boy deleted the video taken in the camera, and his mother was very angry when she found out, reasoned with the boy, and criticized him loudly. As a result, the boy's mood has been very low, and he has not eaten and returned to the room.
The mother at the dinner table chatted with Grandpa about the boy who was not emotionally high, and Grandpa felt that his mother was a bit fussy, and the child deleted the video, and may feel that the video was taken by himself, and it didn't matter if he deleted it.
But the mother did not think so, she insisted that it was because she did not buy the Flash's clothes, the child was angry, and used the destruction of the video as a means of revenge.
Mom feels that she must let the child change this "get it and destroy it" personality, so she will be so fierce.
Rice grain mother looked at this paragraph is very aggrieved for the boy, in the end, what is the reason, the child did not say it herself, but the mother thought of a full set of logic, as the basis for yelling at the child.
The mother did this because she had set her position in advance that the child was deliberately retaliating, so she took the matter seriously.
She also raised the fact that her child deleted the video to a moral height, and destroyed it if she didn't get it, doesn't it sound terrible? That's why she educates her children that way.
Casual moral judgment is also the reason why many people can't talk to their children well.
Moralizing children's words and deeds can easily lead to anxiety and eagerness to raise children from low moral standards to high moral standards.
For example, if a child gets up in the morning and goes to bed for a few minutes, he will be characterized as "lazy", "not thinking of making progress", and "not loving to learn"; if the child does not do well in an exam, he feels that the child "does not work hard" and "mixes up the day".
Such moral judgment is the "desire and sin" imposed on the child, which raises the behavior that normal people may have to a moral height, and the parents are easily angry, and the words spoken in their mouths are particularly hurtful.
In fact, the rice mother can also understand that as a parent, she is always trembling in the process of her child's growth. Worry that the child is contaminated with bad habits, worry that the child will not be able to become a talent, and even have the ability to live independently.
As soon as they find any bad signs, they quickly sound the alarm, hoping that the child will get better immediately. Therefore, it will be particularly sensitive to the child's behavior, and if there is a little discomfort, there will be a predetermined position and a moral judgment.
But we ignore the child himself, the child has his own ideas, and he adjusts the state according to the way we treat him.
Psychologist Susan Foward said, "Children don't distinguish between facts and jokes, they believe what their parents say about themselves and turn it into their own ideas."
In the face of the language of their parents who are not very kind, some children will give up on themselves, "You say I am lazy? Well, then I'm lazy.
There are also children who will be full of grievances, "I am obviously not like this, why do you say this about me?" ”
There is a very realistic proverb that says, "The road to hell is often paved with good intentions."
Parents want their children to be good in their hearts, but they say insincere words in their mouths, and in the end, children cannot experience the kindness of their parents, but will only experience harm from words.
Talking to children well is actually not so difficult, and many times it is just a thought.
Rice's mother has a friend, just call her Jojo.
Her daughter is the legendary "other people's children", no need to urge homework, no need to worry about learning, and her grades are still ranked first in the grade.
Jojo has high standards and strict requirements for his daughter, is already so good, and can always ask a bunch of problems to be rectified.
Even the grains of rice said to me, "Compared with Aunt Jojo, mom, you are gentle."
But this primary school bully, suddenly there is no way to go to school normally, every time I go to school, I have a fever, and I go home to rest for two days.
Jojo took the child to many hospitals to check whether it was an infection, whether there was a problem with the immune system, and finally checked a circle and did not find a disease.
Finally, I went to the psychiatric department to check and was depressed.
Jojo gave her child a leave of absence, and she basically stopped working at home with her children.
She began to listen to everything the child said, and examined her past behavior, only to find that she had said so many hurtful things to the child.
The first grade of the exam is also the general of the shogun, and your school is about to rank at the bottom of the district... What cat, I have enough of you, don't dream! You don't have to stay on your own, you have to learn to adapt to group life.
After her daughter's relationship with her eased, she told her about the pressure brought by these words:
The first exam is not happy, I feel that there is no future in school, and learning is not interesting;
She especially likes kittens and wants to keep one, she can take care of the kittens herself, but her mother never gives her a chance;
She likes to be alone, and it will be very tiring to play with others, but she has to pretend to be happy, even more tired!
Jojo said, "I used to talk to children, it was a one-way output, and I didn't pay attention to the child's feelings. It was only after this experience that I began to realize this problem. Fortunately, it is not too late, and my daughter is still willing to tell me what she is saying. ”
Rice's mother was quite touched to hear Jojo say these words. What Jojo has said to his children, many parents may have told their children.
But in fact, what makes the child sad is not a certain sentence, but the child's feelings about this sentence. Mom was unintentional, she just didn't understand me this time, or did mom never understand me?
A lot of times, in order to be more efficient, we are always in a one-way output, like Xiaomin's mother, and the previous Jojo. They just want to say what they want to say, and they don't think about their children's feelings.
Only by seeing the needs of our children can we become "talking" parents.
About the author: @Rice Grain Mom Love To Share (Welcome to Pay Attention), American returnee, Haidian parent, when the first place in the new book list "Parent-child English Book That Affects Children's Life" author. Focus on the scientific parenting of 0-5-year-old babies, learning enlightenment, and the world's novelty recommendation, welcome to pay attention! (5-12 years old bao mom please pay attention to: @ rice grain mother channel)